Re: advice needed...
 

[quote=SmootSmack;526805]jsarno, just wondering about this

[URL]http://www.thewarpath.net/526429-post41.html[/URL]

I'm curious to know (not so much the part about jamf , :) )[/quote]

The Redskins play in SD next year!

If you see an Indian, Construction Worker, Firefighter and a police officer sitting together in the crowd, Thats Me, Jsarno and his roomates!

Re: advice needed...
 

[quote=jsarno;526961]That is a great idea...I didn't think of that. Thanks.

About #5, well, I really have no doubts about her intentions. I can't...well, won't...go into specifics, as GMscud says, some things are better left unsaid which is likely why a couple here think there are "swiss cheese holes". There are cause I'm leaving stuff out. Not everything needs to be posted, and I'm sure your guys understand that. But over the mountain, you are right. I have seen several people skrew up relationships over doubt and speculation even though nothing was going on. You just can't truly love someone this much and stand by and do nothing about it.[/quote]

Considering all you've shared already, I can't begin to imagine what you'd leave out.

But I understand

Re: advice needed...
 

[quote=SmootSmack;526963]



Can't blame you :). Jamf's allure is intoxicating...in a Boone's sort of way[/quote]

LMAO! I have some great (albeit fuzzy) memories courtesy of Boone's.

Re: advice needed...
 

I wonder how the cruise is going?

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Perhaps J can check in with an update? It's a long..........offseason!

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I sadly think we will never get closure on this one.

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I think I know what happened:

[IMG]http://threadbombing.com/data/media/2/chris_hansen.gif[/IMG]

Re: advice needed...
 

[quote=TheMalcolmConnection;529818]I think I know what happened:

[IMG]http://threadbombing.com/data/media/2/chris_hansen.gif[/IMG][/quote]

:laughing2

Re: advice needed...
 

I mini Jsarno Titanic.

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[quote=mredskins;529802]I wonder how the cruise is going?[/quote]

It went great...had a great time. Just got back yesterday. Can't believe how big we've spent in FA. Thought we didn't have much room to mess with, but I was wrong.

After we got back, Julia's husband is refusing to let her go...said won't sign divorce papers etc. Can he actually do that? In NM, after a certain time frame, it becomes a divorce by default, in CA I am not so sure. How is this in other states? Does anyone know?

Re: advice needed...
 

Each atate is different but he cannot keep her against her will in any state. I think the only thing he can really do is drag this out for a long time. The only thing that usually does is make the lawyers more money.

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There are easy D's and Hard D's (the kind that cause problems.....forever). I think you can guess which kind this is shaping up to be........plus custody

Re: advice needed...
 

He just today said he will let her go, but under conditions...he wants to move back to his home town (across the country), and he wants 50/50 custody. I find this to be a tad bit of blackmail.

Re: advice needed...
 

[quote=jsarno;532623]It went great...had a great time. Just got back yesterday. Can't believe how big we've spent in FA. Thought we didn't have much room to mess with, but I was wrong.

After we got back, Julia's husband is refusing to let her go...said won't sign divorce papers etc. Can he actually do that? In NM, after a certain time frame, it becomes a divorce by default, in CA I am not so sure. How is this in other states? Does anyone know?[/quote]Just one quick question. Did Julia go with you?

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[quote=jsarno;533151]He just today said he will let her go, but under conditions...he wants to move back to his home town (across the country), and he wants 50/50 custody. I find this to be a tad bit of blackmail.[/quote]
Why blackmail? They have kids together so he should have his share in time with them. If he is going to move across the country a judge might give him rights but it will be limited to whats in the best interest of the children. I had 50/50 custody with my X and she got our daughter evey other weekend and other reasonable visitation. For example on a school night she wants to take our daughter to dinner I had the final say so as long as I used reasonable judgement. Yes she can go to dinner if she had done all her homework or No, she has a big test tomorrow. We got along so we did not try to get at each other by using the kids as a prop. Thats the most important thing is not to drag the kids into this fight. If that happens it can get very nasty and everyone will loose.

Re: advice needed...
 

[quote=jsarno;533151]He just today said he will let her go, but under conditions...he wants to move back to his home town (across the country), and he wants 50/50 custody. I find this to be a tad bit of blackmail.[/quote]
It's really a negotiation kind of thing....but it feels Blackmaily. Each side tries to cut the best deal. Be careful who pays transportation to and from the opposite coast......how many times a year.
AND.....First is right....keep the kids out of it as much as possible

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[quote=firstdown;533206]Why blackmail?[B] They have kids together so he should have his share in time with them. If he is going to move across the country a judge might give him rights but it will be limited to whats in the best interest of the children.[/B] I had 50/50 custody with my X and she got our daughter evey other weekend and other reasonable visitation. For example on a school night she wants to take our daughter to dinner I had the final say so as long as I used reasonable judgement. Yes she can go to dinner if she had done all her homework or No, she has a big test tomorrow. [B]We got along[/B] so we did not try to get at each other by using the kids as a prop. Thats the most important thing is not to drag the kids into this fight. If that happens it can get very nasty and everyone will loose.[/quote]

This really goes back to the "are you sure you understand?" type questions that were asked earlier. These kids are going to now have their father across the country from them. and you are looking at it as blackmail. The kids certainly won't, they will wonder why their mom and dad can't be together. They will get shuffled between school systems. But you think he is blackmailing you. Sorry, but he did not end the relationship, she did, and you merely added fire to the break up. A court could very well rule in his favor, or in hers, but they will always consider the kids interests (from the state's point of view - meaning dss could interject or they could have their own state appointed CASA lawyer) first.
Again, it's not blackmail, it's divorce with kids, and its hard to find anyone who is a winner, especially if the adults see (or use without seeing) the kids as hostages/bargaining chips/property.

--Getting along, like FD did :goodjob:, is probably more important after a divorce then during the marriage.

Re: advice needed...
 

Have you consider the logistics of this at all? Say everything works out and you are spooning Julia Guila every night in your little love nest. Have you thought about what it is like to live with and raise children? It is probably the largest resopinisibilty you can take on as a human. My wife and I had our son 11 months ago and our lives easily did a 180 (if not a 720 but we never returned to the same postition). I know her kids are not infants but it is going to be a huge adjustment for you.

I would say run free find another fish in the sea. At some point the lovey dovey part is going to wash off between you and Julia Gulia and the reality of the stituation is going to hit you like a ton of bricks.

I can picture you now standing in a trailer's kitchen holding a sippy cup and wondering what the hell happen to my life, as the kids are screaming and running all around you.

Re: advice needed...
 

[quote=mredskins;533227]
At some point the lovey dovey part is going to wash off between you and Julia Gulia and the reality of the stituation is going to hit you like a ton of bricks.
[/quote]

You are correct. I feel sorry for the OP. In his opening post, he acknowledged that what he was doing was wrong, but he ignored his conscience and his better judgement and went with his heart. He's reaping the sad consequences of his actions now. What hes going through is nothing compared to what those poor kids are going through though. They are the victims of two (or maybe even three) very selfish people. Its horrible.

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[quote=CRedskinsRule;533219]This really goes back to the "are you sure you understand?" type questions that were asked earlier. These kids are going to now have their father across the country from them. and you are looking at it as blackmail. The kids certainly won't, they will wonder why their mom and dad can't be together. They will get shuffled between school systems. But you think he is blackmailing you. Sorry, but he did not end the relationship, she did, and you merely added fire to the break up. A court could very well rule in his favor, or in hers, but they will always consider the kids interests (from the state's point of view - meaning dss could interject or they could have their own state appointed CASA lawyer) first.
Again, it's not blackmail, it's divorce with kids, and its hard to find anyone who is a winner, especially if the adults see (or use without seeing) the kids as hostages/bargaining chips/property.

--Getting along, like FD did :goodjob:, is probably more important after a divorce then during the marriage.[/quote]

I guess it is more of negotiation than blackmail, but to say i'll let you go if you give me 50/50, otherwise I won't certainly sounds blackmailish to me. Oh well. I do not want to keep the kids from him, he is the father.
The daughter likes me a lot, we have a lot of fun together and she doesn't really miss her father when she's not around him. The younger son absolutely loves me. He cries when I leave, and that breaks my heart. Their father just doesn't spend time with them, and give them attention / love, so to have an active male / father figure in their lives is something they have been craving and are now getting. The kids just aren't suffering right now at all. They are happier and now that they have that desired attention they are behaving better too. No matter what I can never replace their biological father, nor do I want to try to. I hope he remains an active part of their life. Don't really know how this is going to pan out considering he will be so far away, but I am sure we can work something out. 50/50 will not be an option. Maybe 70/30 or something where he gets them in the summers, and we get them during the school season etc.

About running and finding another fish in the sea. That won't happen. I've already had the chance to find other fish in the sea, I want this fish. I have always wanted her, and always will regardless of circumstance. I am not some 21 year old that doesn't know what love is, and hasn't come to reality with my emotions / feelings. I am happier now than I have ever been even with the kids. I love those kids, and we have a great time together. I don't expect others to understand cause this is a unique scenario. Which is no big deal, just know that in terms of being with her, we both know what we are doing, and the possible consequences...we are willing to take those chances. The kids are the utmost priority to us, and their well being is more important than anything. In terms of how this will all play out, that's still up in the air.

Re: advice needed...
 

On the 100th post Jsanro nails it. Awesome man good luck to you! I can't see this derailing at all, fool proof plan. Just awesome, awesome! God this is awesome!

The 70/30 spilt is an awesome idea too, just awesome!

Your awesome this awesome!!!!!!!!

Re: advice needed...
 

[quote=jsarno;533244]I guess it is more of negotiation than blackmail, but to say i'll let you go if you give me 50/50, otherwise I won't certainly sounds blackmailish to me. Oh well. I do not want to keep the kids from him, he is the father.
The daughter likes me a lot, we have a lot of fun together and she doesn't really miss her father when she's not around him. The younger son absolutely loves me. He cries when I leave, and that breaks my heart. Their father just doesn't spend time with them, and give them attention / love, so to have an active male / father figure in their lives is something they have been craving and are now getting. The kids just aren't suffering right now at all. They are happier and now that they have that desired attention they are behaving better too. No matter what I can never replace their biological father, nor do I want to try to. I hope he remains an active part of their life. Don't really know how this is going to pan out considering he will be so far away, but I am sure we can work something out. 50/50 will not be an option. Maybe 70/30 or something where he gets them in the summers, and we get them during the school season etc.

About running and finding another fish in the sea. That won't happen. I've already had the chance to find other fish in the sea, I want this fish. I have always wanted her, and always will regardless of circumstance. I am not some 21 year old that doesn't know what love is, and hasn't come to reality with my emotions / feelings. I am happier now than I have ever been even with the kids. I love those kids, and we have a great time together. I don't expect others to understand cause this is a unique scenario. Which is no big deal, just know that in terms of being with her, we both know what we are doing, and the possible consequences...we are willing to take those chances. The kids are the utmost priority to us, and their well being is more important than anything. In terms of how this will all play out, that's still up in the air.[/quote]

If you don't mind my asking, how much of the appeal of being with Julia (again) is that it gives you the chance to be a dad (as it were), something that unfortunately wasn't happening with your ex-wife? Do you feel that's something you'd been missing and now you're getting that opportunity?

Re: advice needed...
 

[quote=jsarno;533244][B]I guess it is more of negotiation than blackmail[/B], but to say i'll let you go if you give me 50/50, otherwise I won't certainly sounds blackmailish to me. Oh well. I do not want to keep the kids from him, he is the father.
[/quote]
And I guess you still don't get my point, this man is not negotiating, blackmailing, or anything else. He is accepting a surrender of 3/4's of his life. The wife, maybe not so much, but his kids -- are you S****** me, he is not negotiating, he is not blackmailing, you are tearing them away from him, and he is surviving.
and then you give what sounds like a throwaway line of "he is the father." I don't really care how much he does or does not interact with them, he was there for the months before they were born, the birth, the days after their birth, the night feedings, the diaper changes, the first steps etc. he didn't not experience the passion and pride of being a father. Maybe he didn't display affection to your satisfaction, and maybe he is a lousy husband. but you aren't just taking away his wife, or negotiating a 50million dollar stock deal. you are invading his home and his wife has joined you so he is marking his territory, and his values.

i wish for you happiness, but the way you describe the scenario, is like me describing the FO's latest and greatest move even when the rest of the Warpathers are telling me its a mistake. I hear no recognition in your tone that you get the fact that just cuz the kids think you are cool, does not translate to them loving their dad any less.
I doubt I will respond any more Jsarno, I HOPE you have a happy life, and I am sure your intentions are good. Please tread carefully kind sir.

Re: advice needed...
 

[quote=mredskins;533227]Have you consider the logistics of this at all? Say everything works out and you are spooning Julia Guila every night in your little love nest. Have you thought about what it is like to live with and raise children? It is probably the largest resopinisibilty you can take on as a human. My wife and I had our son 11 months ago and our lives easily did a 180 (if not a 720 but we never returned to the same postition). I know her kids are not infants but it is going to be a huge adjustment for you.

I would say run free find another fish in the sea. At some point the lovey dovey part is going to wash off between you and Julia Gulia and the reality of the stituation is going to hit you like a ton of bricks.

[B]I can picture you now standing in a trailer's kitchen holding a sippy cup and wondering what the hell happen to my life, as the kids are screaming and running all around you.[/B][/quote]lol. Aside from the trailer, that describes me to a tee. Well, almost any father I assume.

Re: advice needed...
 

[quote=gibbsisgod;533353]lol. Aside from the trailer, that describes me to a tee. Well, almost any father I assume.[/quote]


It is not a bad thing but if you are coming from being a person without kids to all of sudden raising two of them overnight, you are in for a culture shock, about a million volts to be exact.

Re: advice needed...
 

I just wanted to throw this out. Right now your the fun guy who comes and does stuff with them but soon you will be the guy who has to raise and now disciplin them. Thats when thing start to get a little crazy. You will hear at some point one of them say I want to go live with dad or your not my dad. The roles will now be reversed and he will be the guy who comes and plays with them and then brings them back. Your the one who has to now get them to bed and such.

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[quote=SmootSmack;533259]If you don't mind my asking, how much of the appeal of being with Julia (again) is that it gives you the chance to be a dad (as it were), something that unfortunately wasn't happening with your ex-wife? Do you feel that's something you'd been missing and now you're getting that opportunity?[/quote]

If you don't mind, I'd rather PM you that, if that is OK.

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[quote=CRedskinsRule;533267]

i wish for you happiness, but the way you describe the scenario, is like me describing the FO's latest and greatest move even when the rest of the Warpathers are telling me its a mistake. I hear no recognition in your tone that you get the fact that just cuz the kids think you are cool, does not translate to them loving their dad any less. [/quote]

I sincerely hope they won't love him less. I'm not trying to take his place, but hope to be a valuable addition.

[quote]I doubt I will respond any more Jsarno, I HOPE you have a happy life, and I am sure your intentions are good. Please tread carefully kind sir.[/quote]
Thank you.

Re: advice needed...
 

[quote=firstdown;533401]I just wanted to throw this out. Right now your the fun guy who comes and does stuff with them but soon you will be the guy who has to raise and now disciplin them. Thats when thing start to get a little crazy. You will hear at some point one of them say I want to go live with dad or your not my dad. The roles will now be reversed and he will be the guy who comes and plays with them and then brings them back. Your the one who has to now get them to bed and such.[/quote]

Very valid points. Im sure that will happen some day, and I'm obviously not looking forward to it.

Re: advice needed...
 

[quote=jsarno;533151]He just today said he will let her go, but under conditions...he wants to move back to his home town (across the country), and he wants 50/50 custody. I find this to be a tad bit of blackmail.[/quote]

Well then he is a dirtball if he is using the kids for leverage. If he was a grown up he'd face facts ask for 50/50 and stay near them. Moving across the country away from your kids expecting them to uproot themselves 50% of the time is baffling. It is selfish crap.

Re: advice needed...
 

A few things:

1) If he's been abusive to Julia, as you say, why doesn't Julia stick it to him and go for 100% custody? If he's been abusive she has the legal grounds to do so. And it would seem to be in the best interests of the children. I have no idea why she feels the need to negotiate anything on that point.

2) The kids are 4 and 2 - or whatever young ages you said. Of course they adore you. The question is how will they see you when they're 8, or 11, or 14?

3) It's still highly coincidental that she called you up just weeks after having it out with her husband. In my opinion she's clearly using you.

4) Do you have a friggin job yet? If not, I mean you're not even a parent yet and are already becoming one of the most irresponsible parents I've ever heard of.

5) I'm very glad that the biggest problem I face tonight is how much to bid on that baseball/softball mitt on ebay. Sometimes you need a thread like this to make you feel better about your own life!

Re: advice needed...
 

[quote=Schneed10;533461]A few things:

1) If he's been abusive to Julia, as you say, why doesn't Julia stick it to him and go for 100% custody? If he's been abusive she has the legal grounds to do so. And it would seem to be in the best interests of the children. I have no idea why she feels the need to negotiate anything on that point.

2) The kids are 4 and 2 - or whatever young ages you said. Of course they adore you. The question is how will they see you when they're 8, or 11, or 14?

3) It's still highly coincidental that she called you up just weeks after having it out with her husband. In my opinion she's clearly using you.

4) Do you have a friggin job yet? If not, I mean you're not even a parent yet and are already becoming one of the most irresponsible parents I've ever heard of.

5) I'm very glad that the biggest problem I face tonight is how much to bid on that baseball/softball mitt on ebay. Sometimes you need a thread like this to make you feel better about your own life![/quote]

AMEN!

Re: advice needed...
 

Just an FYI (don't know if I have mentioned this yet), the last time Julia and I were together, the Skins won the SB...since I was with my ex, well, you know the drought!
I smell another SB ring coming!

Re: advice needed...
 

So what is the situation like now?

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[quote=jsarno;539732]Just an FYI (don't know if I have mentioned this yet), the last time Julia and I were together, the Skins won the SB...since I was with my ex, well, you know the drought!
I smell another SB ring coming![/quote]

That changes my mind on everything. Get this deal done. :D


Seriously, good luck, man. I don't agree with everything going on but as you said, it's a unique situation and only you and Julia will know for sure if you're doing the right thing. I commend you for thinking of the children first. They ARE the most important part in this ordeal.

Re: advice needed...
 

[quote=Buster;539862]That changes my mind on everything. Get this deal done. :D


Seriously, good luck, man. I don't agree with everything going on but as you said, it's a unique situation and only you and Julia will know for sure if you're doing the right thing. I commend you for thinking of the children first. They ARE the most important part in this ordeal.[/quote]
DITTO!
MAKE IT HAPPEN J!!! Countin' on you!!!!

Re: advice needed...
 

Your situation is almost a mirror image of my life six years ago.With the exception that I wasn't married.I met my soul mate and lost her for many years until one day out of the blue she sent me an e-mail.She was married and had a two year old son.I had always loved her and wanted to be with her but had to give it up because it was just not ,and still isn't ,in my personality to cheat or mess with another mans wife.This man however was abusive so I just said f-it and called her to see what was up.

Anyways, long story short here I am six years later and we are still together and I am happier than any point in my life.We have since had a daughter together and I love [B]our[/B] children equally.I dare anybody to say that he is not my son.I am his father in every way except biologically.

Basically I'm saying if you Know and I mean you [B]Know[/B] that the two of you are Soulmates let nothing get between that.Especially not something as shallow as money.


Hope this helps.

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[quote=hooskins;539789]So what is the situation like now?[/quote]

Well, I know the situation is still early, but its going great. Taking the kiddos to Chuck E Cheese today. We are extremely happy together, and the kids call me papi. I love that. Julia is amazed at how well they have taken to me. It's likely the attention I give them, and how happy both of us are, and they notice the difference. We both clearly made the right choice, even though we are still not out of the woods yet.
It's amazing how life brightens up when you are loved and give love.

Re: advice needed...
 

[quote=Buster;539862]That changes my mind on everything. Get this deal done. :D


Seriously, good luck, man. I don't agree with everything going on but as you said, it's a unique situation and only you and Julia will know for sure if you're doing the right thing. I commend you for thinking of the children first. They ARE the most important part in this ordeal.[/quote]

I agree man...I have been sure to take care of them first...it's really quite easy, they are great kids.

Re: advice needed...
 

[quote=love them hogs;539922]Your situation is almost a mirror image of my life six years ago.With the exception that I wasn't married.I met my soul mate and lost her for many years until one day out of the blue she sent me an e-mail.She was married and had a two year old son.I had always loved her and wanted to be with her but had to give it up because it was just not ,and still isn't ,in my personality to cheat or mess with another mans wife.This man however was abusive so I just said f-it and called her to see what was up.

Anyways, long story short here I am six years later and we are still together and I am happier than any point in my life.We have since had a daughter together and I love [B]our[/B] children equally.I dare anybody to say that he is not my son.I am his father in every way except biologically.

Basically I'm saying if you Know and I mean you [B]Know[/B] that the two of you are Soulmates let nothing get between that.Especially not something as shallow as money.


Hope this helps.[/quote]

That is GREAT to know. It's good to hear I am not the only one that went through this. In particular I am interested to hear how well adjusted (or not) the kids are? (well in your case, your son)