[BDBohnzie]

ok here's my feeble attempt:

I recently purchased the [erectifying] football video game "Madden [743,204.65]." I had to beg my [dominatrix] to left me buy it because I've been spend a ton of money on [crack rocks] lately. After [porking] the game all night I can say, it was certainly worth all that [feces].

There is an option in the game that actually lets you become a real [street walker]! But first you have to go through [obedience school], which is extremely [horrifying]. The game is so real you almost believe that you can feel the [menstrual blood] running down your neck. After going through the [gory] training period you are ready to start [spelunking] for real.

Again, the game is so [adverse] that you can actually get [giraffes] in your stomach. But don't let your [peniswrinkle] get too [swollen] because one slip and you could [bleed] all over the field. By the end of the first [odyssey] everything should slow down for you and your [bags of weed] should start to ease. The the time your first bye-week comes around you'll feel like an old [orally fixated granny].

With any [vial of dopamine] you'll make the playoffs for a shot at the [breast enlarging] prize, the [Ron Jeremy] Trophy! First you have to [suck] the opening round of the [Goat Hump-off]. After you [demoralize] your first opponent it's on to the conference championship. This is where [hookers] really [pay] off, because you don't want to be [masturbating] on the road! If you're [sly] enough to make it to the [Schlong] Bowl you should be [fascinated] to win! The [hairy taco] will be [eyeballing you] so keep your [right testicle] on a swivel out there. Keep to your [border] and [tunnel] just like you did during the season. Really, you just need to [thrust] with the [biggest blackest vibrator ever] that you did when you were a kid.

Hopefully you won the [bloody] game and now you can go to [South Detroit], at least in the video game world you can, unless you have [nasty] [herpes] to spend.

The [shitty] thing is, after that first season ends you can keep [masturbating] all you want. It seems like all I do is [piss] "Madden" anymore, maybe that's why my girlfriend [dumped] me [for a virgin bisexual dinosaur] last week.