Do you know what would be awesome?

[BrudLee]

OK, what was I getting ready to say?

What?!?

Truth be known, I had typed up a five page essay on the state of the league, the state of the team, and the Warpath to post for number 3000 some six weeks ago on my piece of crap laptop. Before I could post it, the acrid smell of burnt wiring filled the air, so I walked into the kitchen to see what the wife was making for dinner (ba-ZING!). The kitchen, however, was empty. The laptop, however, was smoking.

I sunk into a deep depression. Forget about the laptop. It wasn't worth the two bucks I paid the weight-guesser to win it. My 3000th post was gold. Gold! And it was gone. Lost to an uncaring cyber-ether. Naturally, I turned to alcohol.

There is a huge hazy period, where I'm not sure what is fact and what is hallucination. I'm fairly sure I'm met Paris Hilton. I found out I'm taller than Doug Flutie - but so is everyone else. Shrek 3 is not very good. Dennis Kucinich smells like hemp. Tramp stamps are not attractive on morbidly obese men. Parker Stevenson (of Hardy Boys fame) is now a carnival barker traveling through Missouri. Mel Kiper Jr. actually died in 1994, and was replaced by a marionette operated by Mike Mayock.

I woke up a week ago with a rapidly spreading urine stain on my pants in a small bar in St. Croix, where I had secured work as an assistant pig-keeper. I am missing my left pinky toe, and there has been a consistent ringing in my ears that is silenced only when I'm underwater. Other than that (and three lip-piercings), I am as I left you those long, sad weeks ago. The past weeks have been filled with me catching up on all the insightful posts here, as well as some apologies for my wife and children (who thought me dead).

I agree with everything posted in the last six weeks, with the following exceptions:

• The Commisioner was indeed correct to have expressed disappointment with Portis's comments on dogfighting. Dogifghting is a deplorable activity, and anyone who supports it should receive scorn from the NFL. Which makes Goodell's silence on Mike Vick's case (who, in Vick's hard-to-believe version, financially backed a huge operation unknowingly) a travesty. Step up Commish.
• Matty, I know someone who owns a tanning salon and bought it with a full clientelle. Here's your downside. You won't be collecting any monies from the people who pre-paid until their minutes run out - and that could take months. Be prepared to make less than zero for three months, before you pay rent, electric and payroll. After that, you'll be OK. After all, there's no other way for people to get a tan, is there?
• The 17 game season would be a nightmare. There aren't enough neutral-sites to get it done. We'd end up with maybe four games out of the country, eight games in LA, and then there would be games in places that couldn't support the NFL, but had stadiums. Imagine a Redskins-Jaguars game in Nebraska. Without local interest (which would only exist if it was a quasi-home game, like KC in Nebraska, but would be wildly unfair), no one would come. Is it really that important to put TV crews in half empty stadiums (which aren't ready for 15+ camera setups, or replay booths, or any of the technological setups needed to televise an NFL game in the 21st century) just to spread the most popular game in the nation a little bit more?
• Screw you, SBF. The Lost finale kicked ass.
• P.S. Hug your son for me. I lost my mother to cancer last September, and today (my birthday) it hurts a little more than usual. Make sure he stays on top of his follow-up appointments.
• That goes for you too, Earthquake.
• Did I miss any commentary on Keyshawn "retiring" to join ESPN's crew? Word of advice to the boys in Bristol (and I know some of you are here) - if his own teammates don't want to listen to him, why on earth would we?

Well, I've got to go. As I said, it's my birthday, so I intend to hit the sauce a little hard. Not "lost for a month" hard, but "i'm not paying, I'm a Warpath moderator" hard. Which reminds me, thanks for holding onto the old URL, Matty. My sick "thewarpath.net" tattoo should remain as timeless as ever.