Dirtbag Pours His Heart Out

[SmootSmack]

Friend of mine received this letter but it wasn't meant for her, it was meant for someone else with the same name. Simply remarkable

I've been evaluating our situation over and over in my head. And I'm not sure were this will go. But I hope it will provide some answers for both you and I.
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First of all, I do love you. I love you so much that the concept of losing you is driving me to the brink of insanity. However, I can't continue being in a relationship in which I feel inhibited an unable to communicate properly with you.
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To be honest, this issue entirely resides with me and my inability to communicate with you properly. Even last night on the phone the way I explained my actions came out as.... I just want you to play video games. But it really is more than that. I just want to be able to talk to you, and as of right now, I don't think its possible.
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Yes we talk, we talk all the time. But most of what I want to say to you never comes out of my mouth. My responses to your questions are usually 3 word sentences at best. But the thing is, If I could talk to you about what I want to, then I would probably never shut up.
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One of the most important parts of my life is that I am a scientist, and figuring out complex problems is what makes my life incredible. I have theoretical epiphanies quite often and it fascinates me. Sometimes I will figure something out in the middle of the class and the urge to leave the classroom and tell someone about what I've learned is unbearable. And the person that I want to tell most, is you. Except I can't explain them to you. Because I know it would absolutely bore shit out of you.
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for example, this past week I found an algorithm while sitting in Linear algebra called A* - "A star". All this algorithm does is finds the shortest distance between 2 locations while traveling through points. And its actually what Mapquest uses to give people directions. Well I was like holy shit! if it can work for telling people where to go. Then why couldn't it be used to tell an AI component in a video game. I began to think it through, over and over, where I may have seen this before. What it could have been used for and it hit me. I've seen it before and I know exactly who and what used it. The game left 4 dead in which you play as the survivors in a zombie apocalypse, the zombies themselves use this to reach the player. I could actually look at the ways the zombies* where walking and decipher the computational decision making that controlled their movements.
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I wanted to come home and draw out a whole chart and diagram and explain this discovery. and boot up left 4 dead(its a PC game that you bought me for Christmas two years ago) and show you where it happens. But that thought was squashed by my preconceived notion that you would be bored to death and would want to do something else.
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Although I may seem like a video game addict... Which I probably am. But I really don't play video games for their "fun" value as much as I love the art, the science and decision making that goes into them. Occasionally I will buy something like Castlevania because its something I grew up with, but most of the time I want to figure out some facet of the game that intrigues me, and I want you there with me. I want to be a total nerd with you. I want us to play a game and fist bump each other when we kick someone's ass online. Or play through a game and talk about why “this” sucked or “that” was totally awesome. I've seen it in you, your capacity for actually enjoying video games when you played World of Warcraft for 3 hours straight. Better yet, that time you played call of duty 4 and I watched you go from struggling with the controller to being able to knife a guy coming around a corner while reloading. I wasn't just amazed at that site. I was ****ing proud.
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However, asking this of you is causing a moral conundrum for me. Because I'm relating it to an issue with us. I know you like country music, and I am mostly fine with it. Stuff like Reba, Rascal Flats, Brad Paisley are fine. they don't bother me. But there are a few songs that evoke a visceral reaction out of me. Mainly that song watermelon crawl. There is no rational way to explain it. But when I hear it I get this mental image of the time Jordan and I went to a party. In which Stuart Crane and LJ where in attendance, and at one point LJ that racist ****ing piece of shit produced a noose and slung an arm around Jordan and said "you know what Jordan, your a good black person". And I could feel the terror, that oh shit moment that Jordan was feeling himself.
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I know that not all country music fans are ignorant rednecks, but for certain songs, that image gets repeatedly flashed into my brain.
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Why this relates to us is because I know that playing video games makes you physically sick. It makes you nauseous. And programming doesn't interest you. Who would I be to force you into an activity that makes you physically ill or bored when I won't listen to country music with you. Or watching teen mom strikes me with intense guilt because it reminds me of how I treated Jackie.
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Your happiness is important to me, and there are times when I can see it on your face, that you just want to get out of here. You want to be so far away from Richmond and M.C. Dean that its eating away every piece of your being. I cannot let you continue going on like that. You need to find happiness, Rebecca.
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Well this is turning into a big mess, because its difficult to keep my thoughts organized when I am feeling this way.
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I have a remaining set of questions. Do you really think it would work? Do you feel like you could be happy in that lifestyle? Would you be willing to help me solve complex algorithm problems, or play a game with me, or talk about history? (I would love to have you tell me about everything you learned in school, or read new books and talk to me about them) Instead of going day to day trying to find a movie on netflix watch instantly that neither of us really want to watch, ultimately to end up with us picking a movie just because its there. Would you be able to be comfortable around my friends?
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If the answer to these questions is no, then that is it. But this is not an ultimatum. I will not have you give in to demands. You need to want it. Not just want me. Not just want us. But actually be happy in this proposition of life.
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P.S. You could totally be kickass at computer science, and programming in general. You are a brilliant person.