The Jokes Thread

[RedskinRat]

"I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. Tell you what – never again!”

AND

”I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.”

AND

”I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, ”How flexible are you?” I said, ”I can’t make Tuesdays”

AND

Two antennas meet on a roof – fall in love – get married. The ceremony was crap – but the reception was brilliant.

AND

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, ‘Have you got anything for wind?’ So he gave me a kite.

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”My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.”

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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ”But why?” they asked, as they moved off. ”because,” he said ”I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

AND

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

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I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

And

“I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.”

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“I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‘Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.’ He said, ‘Yes, but not in a row.’”

AND

“If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast to the back of a cat and drop it?”