24 - holy crap!

[onlydarksets]

This may have been posted already, but some of these are great (the number to the left is the "rating" out of 4). Shamelessly stolen from here.

• 3.30 Jack and Jill went up the hill. Only Jack came down. Jill was a ****ing terrorist.
• 3.29 Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in 24 hours.
• 3.29 If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
• 3.27 Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
• 3.26 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
• 3.22 The only reason you're conscious right now is because Jack Bauer doesn't want to carry you.
• 3.20 Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
• 3.19 There were originally five horsemen of the apocalypse. Jack Bauer said he would travel by foot.
• 3.18 They say you can't go a day without water, Jack Bauer has gone five seasons.
• 3.15 Jack Bauer sleeps with a gun under the pillow. But he could kill you with the pillow.
• 3.12 When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack found it and put it back.
• 3.11 When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack found it and put it back.
• 3.09 When life hands Jack Bauer Lemons, he kills Terrorists. Jack Bauer ****in' hates lemonade.
• 3.08 As a boy, Jack Bauer interrogated his parents on Easter until they revealed the location and contents of each hidden egg.
• 3.07 Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
• 3.07 After running out of ammo, Jack stood in the line of fire, took 3 shots to the chest, and used them to reload.
• 3.05 Nostradamus once predicted in his journal: "In the century 21st, the one known as Jacques will be the savior of the world... five seasons in a row." Moments later, Jack Bauer knocked down the door, shot Nostradamus in the kneecaps, and yelled "WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?!"
• 3.03 A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Minister walked into a bar... and Jack Bauer is going to find out why...
• 3.01 Superman has Jack Bauer pajamas.
• 3.01 Jack Bauer has no friends, because as a child when he would play cops and robbers, the robbers would all be interogated and killed.
• 3.01 Jack Bauer is the reason Waldo is hiding.
• 3.01 Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why there's no life on Mars.
• 3.00 Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
• 3.00 On Jack Bauers Tax Returns, he has to claim the entire world as his dependants.