If You Were President.

[TheMalcolmConnection]

I don't know what the problem is with the media giants putting their bias into pop culture. That's the basis of free speech and free press. My first order is business is going to be the coolest President for the day ever. I would sit out on the front lawn like total trash and drink Keystone Light.

THEN I'd go inside and make some decisions. Creating custom teams USA and a custom team called "The World" in Madden, I would title each player a different country. Each player that I defeated would then be sent a box of Wheaties provocatively suggesting, "Better eat up if you wanna' hang with the big boys." Canada would be the punter.

After my tenth Keystone, I'd probably want to see some strippers so I'd smack my wife on the ass and tell her to make the call and to make me a sandwich while she was at it. If she refused, I'd remind her to call me Mr. President. The strippers should also refer to me as that as well.

Next, I would make some serious decisions about social security while soaked in Keystone and stripper sweat. Social security gets privatized while I'm in office and that translates to a lot of Keystone and strippers later in life.

Last thing I do before I leave my day as President is to rob the place blind and smack a Secret Service agent in the face because I could.