advice needed...

[saden1]

Wow, here goes:

1. Seek happiness. There's no reason to be miserable.
2. Don't take the kids without the permission of the father. Doing so is bad in the eyes of the law no matter where you are. Those aren't your kids, those are her kids and the other guys kids.
3. Always stay classy and don't get yourself into trouble. You're no good fighting another dude and ending up in jail. If something happens while you're there by all means be a man, if not let the law deal with those kinds of matters.
4. If her husband wants to be a father to his children you'll have to get along with him. Also realize that those are his children first, you're the step dad at best, the guy who ruined their parents marriage at worst.
5. I don't know the full detail but it seems to me you want kids of your own. If you really want to have kids you should discuss this with her.
6. Taking risks is cool, taking sensible risk is better.
7. Stay cool with your ex-wife.

Good luck man.

[dmek25]

first off, good luck in what ever you do. now me, i would go on the cruise. why not enjoy life? ( especially if its already paid for) but i wouldn't take the kids, unless you are granted permission. then, when you get back, you must find a job ( i know, easier said then done) don't be in a big hurry to make it work. if its meant to be...and did i say good luck?

[KLHJ2]

Hey J, get out now. Get yourself right, then go find some young thing. You have been married way too long to get locked right back up again. If you're situation could be hosted on an episode of Jerry Springer or screenplayed on a soap opera, then you are in a bad situation.

Walk away.

[12thMan]

Hey J, can you ask your girl to logon so that we can ask her a few questions too? I think that would be great!

I think everyone here has brought up some very valid and interesting points. But at the end of the day, if this thing has been knawing at you for, what, 12...14 year, then obviously the reward of being in love, truly in love and happy, outweighs the potential risk and cons involved. The heart is a funny thing.

[Schneed10]

Originally Posted by 12thMan

Hey J, can you ask your girl to logon so that we can ask her a few questions too? I think that would be great!

I think everyone here has brought up some very valid and interesting points. But at the end of the day, if this thing has been knawing at you for, what, 12...14 year, then obviously the reward of being in love, truly in love and happy, outweighs the potential risk and cons involved. The heart is a funny thing.

Even I, the ultimate curmudgeon, agree with this. You sound happy with her jsarno, that should say a lot.

But still, go about it in the right way. Don't just be with her; make sure you can support her, make sure you can support her kids, make sure you're not party to anything a civil court would view as improper.

Go ahead and do what your heart wants. But do it right.

[jsarno]

Originally Posted by Schneed10

Even I, the ultimate curmudgeon, agree with this. You sound happy with her jsarno, that should say a lot.

But still, go about it in the right way. Don't just be with her; make sure you can support her, make sure you can support her kids, make sure you're not party to anything a civil court would view as improper.

Go ahead and do what your heart wants. But do it right.

You are certainly right there.

[12thMan]

Amen, brother Schneed!

Now let's join hands...bow your heads.

[Slingin Sammy 33]

IMHO, two things 1) do not go on the cruise in the first, place, but if you do, ABSOLUTELY DO NOT take your girlfriend and her kids. The divorce will be a shock enough for them, being on a cruise ship away from familiar surroundings, with people they don't know ( I am assuming they do not know you or about the situation) will not be good. 2) Contact an attorney immediately, before she makes any moves or leaves any letters. You need to understand what the financial/legal ramifications are of every move the both of you make.

Personally, I went back with an ex-girlfriend that I had been with for a year in my mid-20s, ultimately it was a very bad decision. Great at first, but people change.

A blended family creates a very difficult dynamic, especially if you and Julia want kids together. Your happiness is important, but her kids must be the priority for both of you. The decisions you two make have to be for them first, you guys second. Sorry to be devil's advocate, but you guys have a rocky road ahead and so do the kids.

I wish you and your new family all the best and hopefully you guys all will have true happiness.

[GMScud]

Originally Posted by Slingin Sammy 33

IMHO, two things 1) do not go on the cruise in the first, place, but if you do, ABSOLUTELY DO NOT take your girlfriend and her kids. The divorce will be a shock enough for them, being on a cruise ship away from familiar surroundings, with people they don't know ( I am assuming they do not know you or about the situation) will not be good. 2) Contact an attorney immediately, before she makes any moves or leaves any letters. You need to understand what the financial/legal ramifications are of every move the both of you make.

This has been one of the better Parking Lot threads I've read in a while as far as thoughtful posts.

Anyway, my two cents after reading the entire thread (and there is PLENTY of very sound advice in here):

It sounds like you have solid long term goals with Julia, but focus on the short term first and foremost right now- both of you need to get attorneys right away. Yesterday. And you both need to be 100% honest with them about every last detail, including the relationship you and Julia have had over the past few months and your plans for the future. This is so critical. As emotional as you both are right now about each other and all the circumstances, imagine if something that easily could have been avoided screws everything up? Legal representation, my friend. Right away.

Other than that, Saden, Scheed, and FRPLG all echo my feelings to some extent - Be classy. Be mindful of every situation in the near future. Think through everything and take lots of deep breaths. Rash decisions will not serve you well right now. I'm not gonna get into the financial aspect- you're a smart guy with a graduate degree and money in the bank, so I'm sure you'll figure it out.

I know your heart and brain are on fire right now, so just be cool man (that sounds cheesy). Stay within yourself. It's going to be easy to get really emotional over the things ahead of you, and that's okay. Just don't be impulsive.

God bless J. PM me if I can do anything or you want to chat off-record.

[jsarno]

Originally Posted by GMScud

This has been one of the better Parking Lot threads I've read in a while as far as thoughtful posts.

Anyway, my two cents after reading the entire thread (and there is PLENTY of very sound advice in here):

It sounds like you have solid long term goals with Julia, but focus on the short term first and foremost right now- both of you need to get attorneys right away. Yesterday. And you both need to be 100% honest with them about every last detail, including the relationship you and Julia have had over the past few months and your plans for the future. This is so critical. As emotional as you both are right now about each other and all the circumstances, imagine if something that easily could have been avoided screws everything up? Legal representation, my friend. Right away.

Other than that, Saden, Scheed, and FRPLG all echo my feelings to some extent - Be classy. Be mindful of every situation in the near future. Think through everything and take lots of deep breaths. Rash decisions will not serve you well right now. I'm not gonna get into the financial aspect- you're a smart guy with a graduate degree and money in the bank, so I'm sure you'll figure it out.

I know your heart and brain are on fire right now, so just be cool man (that sounds cheesy). Stay within yourself. It's going to be easy to get really emotional over the things ahead of you, and that's okay. Just don't be impulsive.

God bless J. PM me if I can do anything or you want to chat off-record.

Thanks man. I may just do that.

I appreciate all the good comments everyone.

[SmootSmack]

I'm a little lost with the timeline jsarno. Help me out here

You're living in NM, and she's living in California.

Out of the blue, she calls you after 12 years and says she never stopped loving you and wants to be with you. And you, "going through the motions" in your current marriage decide "I'm not messing this up again" and separate from your wife and move out to California to be with Julia (meanwhile you start divorce proceeding which are now final)

So for the past few weeks (months?) you're in San Diego to be closer to her and you're taking her kids out to the park, beach etc. but she's still living with the father of their kids during all this?

Is that right?

[jsarno]

Originally Posted by SmootSmack

I'm a little lost with the timeline jsarno. Help me out here

You're living in NM, and she's living in California.

Out of the blue, she calls you after 12 years and says she never stopped loving you and wants to be with you. And you, "going through the motions" in your current marriage decide "I'm not messing this up again" and separate from your wife and move out to California to be with Julia (meanwhile you start divorce proceeding which are now final)

So for the past few weeks (months?) you're in San Diego to be closer to her and you're taking her kids out to the park, beach etc. but she's still living with the father of their kids during all this?

Is that right?

You're pretty close.

I've visited San Diego several times during my off time...I'm here right now, but I leave tomorrow morning to go back. I don't officially move here til a week from this friday.

[SmootSmack]

Originally Posted by jsarno

You're pretty close.

I've visited San Diego several times during my off time...I'm here right now, but I leave tomorrow morning to go back. I don't officially move here til a week from this friday.

What do you mean your off-time?

Anyhow, her husband didn't find anything weird or say anything about her ex-fiance being back in the picture and taking his (and her) kids out everywhere.

And who do the kids think you are? Some family friend?

is all this really just a front to be closer to jamf?

[firstdown]

You want for her to just grab the kids and drag them off with some strange guy she is now sleeping with who is not their dad and you think nothing of this? These kids will grow to hate you as your have taking their dad away and broken up their family. You want to know if this will look bad in court? HELL YES and he might have grounds to have her and you arrested for taking the kids and if this cruise leave the US which I'm sure it does that could make matter worse. I think the entire plan is crap.

[jsarno]

I think you guys are right...her on the cruise is a bad idea (I hadn't added her yet anyway), but she will still take off with the kids and likely go to a friends house, or possibly out of state to her parents.
I am still curious as to how this is "abandonment"?