understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??

[chica-alisha]

Originally Posted by DynamiteRave

As a 23 year old female.. There is no such thing as a dry spell. If I'm not getting it at least a couple times a week, I start getting irritated.

... I guess I'm an nympho...

amen to that! i hear women all the time "holding out" as "punishment" to their husbands or some crap like that...sex is a pleasure for both parties if done properly. I could not imagine going a week without much less that long. wow!!

[EARTHQUAKE2689]

Originally Posted by DynamiteRave

As a 23 year old female.. There is no such thing as a dry spell. If I'm not getting it at least a couple times a week, I start getting irritated.

... I guess I'm an nympho...

God Bless America!!!

[BDBohnzie]

Originally Posted by SolidSnake84

The problem is, since returning from our trip to Florida 32 days ago, we have had a sexless marriage, and a complete lack of other intimacy. I blame myself and have tried everything to try and bring it back. I even started lifting weights to try and change my physical build hoping it would help...Nothing has worked. I'm not ready to give up just yet, but i need help in seeing which way this thing is headed.

You've gotten some solid advice here, so I'll try to add things I haven't heard yet.

The one thing that pops out is to me is you mentioning that your sex life was rocky before the trip to Florida. How rocky was it? Are we talking you were getting some at a consistent pace and now you've gone to zilch in a matter of 5 weeks? Did something happen in Florida that was the straw that broke the camel's back? Aside from the intimacy, you said everything is happy and wonderful. Does your wife feel the same way? How do you know? Has she told you lately?

Forget what other people have told you about marriage and intimacy because it's completely different from one couple to the next. 32 days is a drop in the bucket in the grand scheme of things. It's a bad first dry spell, if it's indeed your first dry spell. I'm 31, married for over 5 years and have 2 kids. We have our dry spells, but as Schneed discussed, it's quality over quantity for us. And while don't get intimate as often as I would like, I don't mind waiting knowing that when we are intimate, we both get pleasure out of it and it's satisfying.

Honestly, it sounds like you are trying way too hard and blaming yourself when results fail. You mentioned your physique and working out. Is that taking away time you guys could be spending together? Are you working a different schedule, working different hours? Is she? Are you guys spending less time together for other reasons?

The fact that breaking up has entered your mind leads me to believe that there are other factors weighing into this that you aren't sharing with us. At 25, you have the rest of your lives to figure things out. If you are in it for the long haul, you aren't debating on whether it's time to get out, you are figuring out what steps have led to this and what can be done to fix it.

I think counseling would be a good thing at this point, and if she doesn't agree now, you go and talk to someone, whether it's a counselor, psychiatrist or a priest. It'll help you figure things out. Above all else, be honest and understanding with her. A marriage isn't over because you haven't had sex in a month.

Good luck to you and I hope things work out.

[tryfuhl]

dude.. around the same age and won't be giving up regular sex until the order of numbers are reversed

I wouldn't deal with it personally, obviously the relationship is more than the sex but physical intimacy is a huge part of expressing it

so weird that it came AFTER an event... were you guys together most of the time? anything strange happen down there? only time I've had a complete cut-off in sex was when a girl felt guilty for something

[tryfuhl]

anyone telling you to wait is wrong

was in a serious relationship with one girl.. 2 week spell, very uncommon.. we weren't everday but we never did the 2 week thing, told her I figured I was a rebound based on her attitude.. turned out I was right

[TheMalcolmConnection]

Originally Posted by tryfuhl

anyone telling you to wait is wrong

was in a serious relationship with one girl.. 2 week spell, very uncommon.. we weren't everday but we never did the 2 week thing, told her I figured I was a rebound based on her attitude.. turned out I was right

LOL. Been married before?

[Monkeydad]

Originally Posted by TheMalcolmConnection

LOL. Been married before?

Yeah, all of his advice is about a "girl" he "dated"...no mentions of marriage to WOMEN.


Funny stuff, Tryful.

[KLHJ2]

OMFG this thread is redonkulous. jamf you are my new hero.


Edit: I'm just lucky I guess. I cannot complain about not getting it. I actually put up a stink when we do it the same way more than twice. She aint as limber as she used to be.

I changed my post because it was confusing and misleading. If I would have changed it to read the way that I wanted I would have come off as a huge asshole. I decided to go in a different direction.

[SolidSnake84]

Okay good morning guys,

here are the updates so far. I got home last night, and tried talking to her. She was nice and she said that she cant just turn on a switch like guys and be ready to go. She says sometimes she is just tired and cant get in the mood.

No sex last night again, but at least she wasnt mean and i feel like we made progress. We have an easy weekend coming up, she doesnt work at all, so there is plenty of time to try and get something started.

Thanks again, this is an ongoing saga and i'll keep you updated.

[MTK]

Originally Posted by SolidSnake84

Okay good morning guys,

here are the updates so far. I got home last night, and tried talking to her. She was nice and she said that she cant just turn on a switch like guys and be ready to go. She says sometimes she is just tired and cant get in the mood.

No sex last night again, but at least she wasnt mean and i feel like we made progress. We have an easy weekend coming up, she doesnt work at all, so there is plenty of time to try and get something started.

Thanks again, this is an ongoing saga and i'll keep you updated.

Take her out for a nice dinner this weekend, preferably to a place where there's no kids screaming and the menus aren't made out of plastic, have some good wine, bada-boom-bada-bing. Just don't be too desperate, at this point the ball is in her court. Let that kitty come to daddy.

[over the mountain]

Originally Posted by SolidSnake84

Okay good morning guys,

here are the updates so far. I got home last night, and tried talking to her. She was nice and she said that she cant just turn on a switch like guys and be ready to go. She says sometimes she is just tired and cant get in the mood.

No sex last night again, but at least she wasnt mean and i feel like we made progress. We have an easy weekend coming up, she doesnt work at all, so there is plenty of time to try and get something started.

Thanks again, this is an ongoing saga and i'll keep you updated.

Dry spells happen. sometimes me and my lady will go a few weeks without making love. it just happens sometimes. I gotta wake up early every morning, shes a bartender so she gets to sleep in most mornings. around 10:30ish pm my body absolutely shuts down. thats about the time she wants to get intimate.

to that extent, i understand where your wife might be coming from. if we dont do it on the weeked b/c were too busy, partying etc then we most likely wont do it until next weekend.

solidsnake, you are in a position alot of us are in. sometimes its me, sometimes its her, but sex def slows down once people get into a daily grind routine. we probably average about 8 times a month but some months we can go just a couple times if our schedules and other outside factors interfere.

i guess you gotta figure out if the source of the problem is rooted in your relationship or whether it is something or a culminaiton of things outside your relationship that is the source of the problem.

this hot summer i think has zapped alot of peoples labidos and energy. i know after a long day, driving with no ac, im tapped out when i get home.

good luck buddy, i wouldnt worry about this to the extent of whether this is an indication that your marriage may fail or that she is cheating on you. you obviously love her, if you have a great relationship and friednship, i think that is the more important quality of a solid long term relationship than great sex.

she says she just cant turn it on and off like guys. my lady has also said that. sometimes she will go through spells where she is just not interested.

what i found works is just sitting on the couch, snuggling up watching tv during the afternoon on a weekend. this usually leads to an accidental titty grab which leads to other things. this works for me moreso than plannign date night b/c for us, we go out eat a nice dinner, get hammered then by the time we get home shes passed out and im left frustrated b/c i had certain expectations. but sitting on that couch, snuggling up, just kinda stroking her hair or rubbing her shoulders leads up to things. it gets her senses going processing your touches and i think helps lead her to being in the mood vs a out of nowhere hey we havent done it in awhile, wanna screw?

good luck but i would restrian from making any further or deeper conclusions than you are just going thru a dry spell. your married man, dry spells is what you and her said "I do" to. you have friendship, you have love, your married to the love of your life, those things give you a foundation to work thru these issues. trust me, at 32 ive gone thru what you are experiencing as most other guys here. it just happens sometimes when youve been living with someone longterm.

[Monkeydad]

Originally Posted by SolidSnake84

Okay good morning guys,

here are the updates so far. I got home last night, and tried talking to her. She was nice and she said that she cant just turn on a switch like guys and be ready to go. She says sometimes she is just tired and cant get in the mood.

Ha, that line...they all use it verbatim.

[FRPLG]

Originally Posted by SolidSnake84

Okay good morning guys,

here are the updates so far. I got home last night, and tried talking to her. She was nice and she said that she cant just turn on a switch like guys and be ready to go. She says sometimes she is just tired and cant get in the mood.

No sex last night again, but at least she wasnt mean and i feel like we made progress. We have an easy weekend coming up, she doesnt work at all, so there is plenty of time to try and get something started.

Thanks again, this is an ongoing saga and i'll keep you updated.

That's not an answer. Logically it means she knows you can be ready to roll at any time yet there hasn't been any sweet sweet action so therefore she hasn't been in the mood at all.

[CRedskinsRule]

Just out of curiousity, are your work schedules off kilter. You said she doesn't work this weekend, does that mean that usually she works when you are at home and vice versa? Did either of your work schedules change recently, that might have impacted your time together?

Also being tired all the time, and loss of sexual desire are two very common symptoms of depression and/or anxiety.

[SolidSnake84]

Originally Posted by CRedskinsRule

Just out of curiousity, are your work schedules off kilter. You said she doesn't work this weekend, does that mean that usually she works when you are at home and vice versa? Did either of your work schedules change recently, that might have impacted your time together?

Also being tired all the time, and loss of sexual desire are two very common symptoms of depression and/or anxiety.

She has a seasonal job during the summer that ends on October 31st. She usually works in the evenings.

During the regular part of the year, she works as a teachers assistant.