Overcomplicated NFL Rules by the Onion

[JoeRedskin]

The ground cannot cause a fumble unless the player touches the ground with either his feet, knees, elbows or hands during the play.

Players may not express any individualism in their uniforms. Any deviation from the registered uniform where will require the offending player to be branded w/ the Reebok trademark on their left butt cheek.

The ball may not be snapped until all the officials have reached their designated on-field locations, checked their e-mail and updated their twitter accounts. Any QB that snaps the ball prior to the officials signaling readiness will have his own balls cut off and inflated for use on the next play.