On Marriage

[skinsfan69]

Originally Posted by GhettoDogAllStars

Divorce rates are higher for couples who live together before marriage.

Lots of data on this can be found on the Internet... do a google search for "divorce and cohabitation" -- the theory on why it happens is basically a lack of commitment.

I think the divorce rate is high because marriage is tough and people just grow tired of one another. It's business relationship and being in business with another person is tough. I'm in my late 30's and I just don't want to do it. I like my freedom too much.

[GusFrerotte]

Originally Posted by Mattyk72

I think everyone should have to wait until at least the age of 30 to get married, and you should also have to live with that person for at least a year prior. No kids until after 30 as well.

Most of my friends married in their early to mid 20's. All of them but one are still married. That living together before marriage crap has been proven to be bogus. Statwise the couples have a higher divorce rate if they shack up before hand. The reason is simple. If you feel you have to shack up beforehand to try it out you already have some significant doubts about if this person is the one. Marriage is one heavy committment and you better be damn sure the person is for you. Shacking up is almost like giving a nice sports car a test run, you like it, but you know you can't buy it.

[SmootSmack]

Originally Posted by saden1

For those of you who are married what tips do you have for us unmarried guys? How and where did you propose? Why did you propose to her? What do you do to keep the spark going? What kind of adjustments did you have to make? What kind of impact have the children had on your marriage?

1. Surprised her with a romantic dinner at her apartment, flew in her parents, sister, and grandmother the next day to surprise her (again) and celebrate with my family. Had Mike Tirico do the play-by-play (just kidding)

2. Tax benefits...honestly because she keeps it real with me. She's blunt, which often pisses me off for sure, but at the same time there's something special about being able to be completely ourselves with each other. She was the first person I really didn't feel I had to try to impress all the time.

3. It's tough, because we're just not dating anymore. We have everyday responsibilities (work, bills), but we push each other to get out and be active. We've taken cooking classes together, tennis lessons, we go for runs together. I don't know if that's about a spark per se, but it keeps us in each other's company. Which is one of the nice things about married life. You always have something to do stuff with. By the same token, it also helps to allow us each to do our own thing when we want. Come Sundays in the fall I'll stay home and watch football and she'll hit up the outlet malls. Also, no matter what our time or budget constraints are, every week we have "date night". Just one night where the two of us go out and enjoy a night out.

4. It's not just about me (or her) anymore. Every decision each of us makes (big decisions that is), you have to think of the other person. What impact does it have on them? That's probably the biggest adjustment, having to think of someone else 24x7.

5. No kids yet

[DBUCHANON101]

Originally Posted by saden1

For those of you who are married what tips do you have for us unmarried guys? How and where did you propose? Why did you propose to her? What do you do to keep the spark going? What kind of adjustments did you have to make? What kind of impact have the children had on your marriage?

"A man is a man all of his life, but a woman is only sexy until she becomes your WIFE" -AL BUNDY-

LOL, sorry but i was rolling when he said that.

[JoeRedskin]

Originally Posted by saden1

For those of you who are married what tips do you have for us unmarried guys? How and where did you propose? Why did you propose to her? What do you do to keep the spark going? What kind of adjustments did you have to make? What kind of impact have the children had on your marriage?

1. Tips: Never draw to an inside straight; buy low, sell high and neither a borrower or a lender be.

2. In Cumberland at a romantic bed and breakfest.

3. Because she was the only one crazy enough to say yes.

4. You expect me to give away ALL my secrets? You fool you.

5. Naps? Forget about it. Women hate sleeping men. Learning how to to "lose" the argument and still get my way.

6. Children are great, extra great. Hard on the marriage for the first 10 years as they require so much attention. Tends to make the marriage almost a business arrangement between the spouses as they deal with schools, bills, schedules, maintaining the house. Very important to on occassion take time to say "oh hey, I remember you - I think I really like you!", let her know she's still very much an attractive and beautiful woman.

[firstdown]

So does these mean your thinking of getting hitched?

I proposed on Christmas eve right before we head over to my aunts and uncles house for our christmas get together. It was funny because we did not tell anyone and just waited until someone finally notice her ring. My wife was funny because she kept waving her hand while she was talking to peopl and it took about an hour until my sister finally noticed her ring and my sister started yelling and jumping up and down as the rest of the family thought she was nuts. We have a 2 1/2 year old and she has actually brought me and my wife closer but it was a big adjustment in our life. I find one of the biggest thing in a mariage is to just be fair to her sharing in the everyday things that need to be done. Also be fair in your free time allowing her just as much free time as you take for your self. Like if you take 5 hours to go play golf make sure you give her the time to do something she wants to do for her self. Thats a whole lot easier without kids and its very important when you do have children. The main thing to keep in mind is to make sure she is the right person for you and you have alot of stuff in common.

[saden1]

Originally Posted by firstdown

So does these mean your thinking of getting hitched?

I proposed on Christmas eve right before we head over to my aunts and uncles house for our christmas get together. It was funny because we did not tell anyone and just waited until someone finally notice her ring. My wife was funny because she kept waving her hand while she was talking to peopl and it took about an hour until my sister finally noticed her ring and my sister started yelling and jumping up and down as the rest of the family thought she was nuts. We have a 2 1/2 year old and she has actually brought me and my wife closer but it was a big adjustment in our life. I find one of the biggest thing in a mariage is to just be fair to her sharing in the everyday things that need to be done. Also be fair in your free time allowing her just as much free time as you take for your self. Like if you take 5 hours to go play golf make sure you give her the time to do something she wants to do for her self. Thats a whole lot easier without kids and its very important when you do have children. The main thing to keep in mind is to make sure she is the right person for you and you have alot of stuff in common.

I got my finger on the trigger ready to fire at a beautiful figure. Only problem is she likes the idea of a fall wedding and I'm like "nu-uh, that's football season!"

[Slingin Sammy 33]

Originally Posted by saden1

I got my finger on the trigger ready to fire at a beautiful figure. Only problem is she likes the idea of a fall wedding and I'm like "nu-uh, that's football season!"

#4 from Smoot's post is the biggest thing. All the other stuff is personal to you and her and you'll do it right I'm sure.

Once married, your responsibilities definitely go: kids, her, whatever else she wants you to do, work, whatever else she forgot to ask earlier, whatever work didn't get done earlier,.......then you.

Before you pull the trigger, think about how you feel with her when there's been a problem/fight. If the happiness you have with her outweighs feeling that way about 20% of the time then you'll be OK.

Schedule the wedding for the weekend of Oct. 31.

Dead-man walking LOL

[Gmanc711]

Originally Posted by saden1

I got my finger on the trigger ready to fire at a beautiful figure. Only problem is she likes the idea of a fall wedding and I'm like "nu-uh, that's football season!"

Maybe thats the real reason behind the bye week?

[redsk1]

This is a great thread.

You know what they say about the reason a woman is smiling as she walks down the aisle right? Well, it's true unfortunately.

Got married at 31, it's been 4 years and we have a 3 yr old and a 2 year old. It's alot of work period but w/ kids it's more work.

[BleedBurgundy]

I've been married twice. The first time, i did it for absolutely the wrong reasons (and quickly, knew each other less than a year) and was miserable every day. Every day. I dated my current wife for 3 years before popping the question and we were engaged 2 years before getting married. My 2nd anniversary is coming up on July 7th. I have not went to sleep unhappy once since being with my current wife, either while dating or married.

All of that said, the best advice I can give is this: Only get married to someone that you would want to be around all of the time, even if you couldn't have sex with her. If your personalities don't completely mesh, I think it's way too much of a compromise to live with. I'd also strongly suggest living together first before getting married. So many things come up that you could never imagine beforehand.

[KLHJ2]

I got married when I was 20 and I must say that I agree with you Matty. I love my family and would not trade them for anything, but if I could do it all over again I would have waited. I was not ready. Fortunately for us things have worked out, but that is not always the case.

[Schneed10]

But to more directly address Saden's questions:

To propose, I took her to her old house, the one she grew up in, at which she and I spent so much time together. We started dating when we were 19 and we both still lived at home. It was a place that was meaningful to us. I liked that better than going someplace cliche and romantic, like Paris or something, which definitely doesn't fit my style. I didn't do anything special, just got down on one knee and asked her. Where and how you do it is all about your own personal style, whatever fits with your personality.

As for why I proposed:

- She was crazy hot and good in bed.

- She had become my best friend, which is important because when all the head-over-heels-in-love feelings give way to the routine of daily life, friendship needs to be the foundation of a good marriage.

- She was thrifty with money like me, and had similar expectations for spending time with extended family. Those are important, those two issues cause a whole lot of divorces.

- And she was crazy hot and good in bed.

As for adjustments, none relating to seeing family or spending/saving money. I've had to be cleaner around the house, not a real big deal. She likes to know where I am at nearly all times, but that's not a problem for me, my life is pretty regimented and I like it that way. Overall we're a pretty good fit.

On kids, kids change things because they require so much work. We have similar family values so we agree on how to raise the kids. But it's the division of responsibility that takes effort. If someone is going to give the kids the bath, feed them, and change the diapers, somebody else has to come up with dinner at night and do the dishes.

If your wife will be a stay at home mom then division of responsibility gets easier, but still takes coordination and open communication.

[jsarno]

Originally Posted by saden1

For those of you who are married what tips do you have for us unmarried guys? How and where did you propose? Why did you propose to her? What do you do to keep the spark going? What kind of adjustments did you have to make? What kind of impact have the children had on your marriage?

I was married for almost 12 years, but my best advice is to marry the one YOU REALLY WANT! I wouldn't be divorced now if I followed that advice. I made it work with a friend for almost 12 years by being selfless. If you do anything to make a marriage work, it's selflessness. Women pay attention to little things that men don't really care about. Like if you have a bad day, and you don't give her that kiss, or hug when you get home like you always do, they file it and bring it up later (or explode later depending on the type of woman you have). if you listen to nothing else, listen to this...Even when you are down, you need to think of them. When you get married, it's no longer about you, it's about her. After you have kids, then it's kids first, wife second, you last. If you are ready to put yourself behind others, then marriage is for you. Hopefully she will feel the same and treat you as such. A lot of men think marriage is sex whenever you want and all great days...marriage takes work. Sure, it can be A LOT of fun, and I wouldn't trade my 12 years of marriage for anything to be honest, I learned a lot. You just have to remember she is more important than you. You need to be ready to put the person you are with ahead of you forever. If you are selfish, you won't make it.
Can't help you with spark, my marriage had none. LOL. This is why I'll never marry a virgin again. haha. Now I have a ton of spark with my new fiance, but it's still new, we haven't hit that wall yet. Always try to spice it up though, routine gets boring VERY fast.
Everyone thinks their woman is that special someone, until they marry them. You need to KNOW this, and commit to it even when it's hard. If there is someone in your past that you think you love more, you better make sure that door is 100% shut, or explore that option first.

[GhettoDogAllStars]

I'd say, keep the wanting to a minimum and you'll be fine. The more you want, the more suffering and disappointment you'll endure.