Actual transcript of the Giants' players only meeting

[Monkeydad]

The New York Giants are coming apart right before our eyes. But it
wasn't too long ago that the Giants were still trying to get along.
In fact, it was Monday. That's when they held a players-only meeting
in hopes of moving past their fourth-quarter collapse against the
Titans and the losing streak it continued.

But it wasn't really a players-only meeting. I was in the locker room
that day, too. (The ever-insecure Tom Coughlin hired me as a spy.)
And this is a transcript of what transpired.

Michael Strahan: OK, guys, let's get started. Is everybody here?
Great. Plex, can you get the door?

Plaxico Burress: No.

Strahan: Why not?

Burress: It's a little out of my reach.

Strahan: You're kidding, right?

Burress: Not at all. If the door was right here where I could get to
it without any exertion I would gladly close it for you. But it's
not. Somebody put it way over there. And it wasn't me so I shouldn't
have to go out of my way to get to it. That's not my style. Sorry.

Strahan: Geez. What an @#$%*!^. OK, then. Eli? Can you stop
whimpering in the corner for a moment to close the door so we can
start our meeting?

Eli Manning: Golly. Sure thing, Michael. I'd be happy to. Thanks for
asking. I'm just glad you fellas think I can be of some help to you.
It sure means a lot.

Strahan: Whatever, dork. Alright. Let's get started. The reason for
this players-only meeting is because we need to pull together and
start winning.

Tiki Barber: Exactly. I agree. We have to start getting me more
carries.

Strahan: Uh, well, that could be one way I suppose little Tiki.

Barber: No, that's the only way. Getting me more carries is the most
important thing. Trust me on this. I'm smarter than all of you. I
know it. You know it. Even Coach Coughlin has come to realize I am
his intellectual superior. How did you like that word,
huh? "Intellectual. " That's five syllables.

Strahan: Very impressive little Tiki. Thanks. Now that we've all
heard little Tiki's thoughts, does anyone else have any suggestions
on how we can turn our season around?

Jeremy Shockey: Ooh! Ooh! Pick me! Pick me! I have an idea.

Strahan: Jeremy, the floor is yours. Let's hear your thoughts.

Shockey: We need more unity on this team, right? So why don't we all
go get the same tattoo? That would be so badass. I say we all get a
Limp Bizkit tattoo. That band is awesome and they totally have the
hard-core attitude we need here. Then we can kidnap coach and tattoo
his ass! Who's with me? And you better say you're in or I'll assume
you're afraid of getting a tattoo and are a scared, little, wussy.
And I don't want no wussy girls on my team. I'm from The U, baby! The
U!

Strahan: Whoa there, Jeremy. Dial it back a bit. Can somebody tranq
him? Thanks. Let's hear from some other veterans -- Ike Hilliard?

Amani Toomer: Who me?

Strahan: Well, yeah. You're Ike Hilliard, aren't you?

Toomer: No. I'm a Toomer. Amani Toomer. Ike Hilliard hasn't been on
the team for a couple of years. I think he's on the Buccaneers now.

Strahan: Really? Hmm. I always did get you guys confused. Well,
whoever you are, let's hear your thoughts.

Toomer: Thank you. Listen up, guys. I've been on this team a long
time and one thing I know is ...

Strahan: Sorry, Ike. But I'm going to cut you off. We're running
short on time here.

Tim Hasselbeck: Hey, that's rude to cut someone off when they're
trying to talk.

Strahan: What do you know about it, third-stringer?

Hasselbeck: A lot, actually. My wife, Elisabeth, is a host on "The
View" and Rosie O'Donnell always cuts her off and it hurts her
feelings.

Shockey: You watch "The View"? Come over here. I'm going to kick your
(expletive).

Strahan: Somebody hit Shockey with another tranq dart. Tim, I
understand what you're saying. My apologies to Ike. And, Tim, please
have your wife ask Rosie O'Donnell if she can fill in on the line
until I get healthy. That lady is a beast!

Mathias Kiwanuka: I know I'm new here, but can I say something?

Strahan: Sure thing, rookie.

Kiwanuka: I want to share with you guys something an old coach once
told me. It really fired me up and is the most valuable advice I have
ever received. I was going through a bad time, like we are now, and
my coach pulled me aside, looked me square in the eyes and said ...

Strahan: Uh, yes? And said what? You seemed like you had something
really good going there and then you just stopped for no reason.

Kiwanuka: I know. I'm sorry. It's a bad habit of mine.

Manning: Umm, fellas? Hey, guys? You mind if I say a word or two?

Strahan: Have at it.

Manning: Gee wilikers, you guys are swell! My daddy wrote down some
things for me to say and I have to find the paper. He said if I read
this to you guys you would respect me as a team leader.

Strahan: No, no, no, Eli. It's time to stop hiding behind your
family. You're a big boy now. If you don't have anything that you
want to say yourself from your own heart, then we don't want to hear
it. So do you have anything to say that isn't from your daddy?

Manning: No. Not really. Well, that's not really true. I do have one
thing.

Strahan: Yes? Let's hear it.

Manning: I wish you guys would stop giving me wedgies.

Strahan: Not a chance.

Barber: Hey, can we wrap this up? My wife said I have to be home by 5
p.m. today.

Jared Lorenzen: Yeah, I let's end this. I'm hungry.

Strahan: OK, OK. We're done. I hope we've all worked through some
issues in this meeting and that we're all primed to beat the Cowboys
this week. And remember -- anything that was discussed in this
meeting stays among us, the players. Except if I need to fill some
time on my radio show. Then I reserve the right to say whatever I
want about any of you.


*Shared to me via e-mail, not written by me and I don't know who did, but it's hilarious.

[Monkeydad]

Ok, found the source:

ESPN.com: Page 2 : Giants among men

[onlydarksets]

Good stuff - the Gyants suck.

[dmek25]

im surprised tom coughlin is still there

[hesscl34]

LOL... I do feel for them though. We shouldn't talk.

[Monkeydad]

Originally Posted by hesscl34

LOL... I do feel for them though. We shouldn't talk.

We can...we don't have a moron like Shockey.

[onlydarksets]

We have plenty of other types of morons, though. Like Adam "deer in headlights" Archuletta.

[hesscl34]

Originally Posted by onlydarksets

We have plenty of other types of morons, though. Like Adam "deer in headlights" Archuletta.

He is too busy banging his playboy girlfriend. He's not saving any pent up frustration for the team!

[61cad]

Originally Posted by dmek25

im surprised tom coughlin is still there

He gets the Gibbs pass "the Giants made it to the playoff last year"

[MTK]

I think it was Colin Cowherd that said the other day that the Giants sure have alot of players that talk. Shockey, Tiki, Strahan, etc. are in the media all the time it seems.

[BDBohnzie]

should have had Brandon Jacobs sitting on Tiki's head, farting...in regards to Tiki getting more carries.

[Daseal]

I give it a D for Dumb.

[That Guy]

yawner.

[3rd ID SOLDIER]

that was a breath of fresh air that was cool!