advice needed...

[firstdown]

Originally Posted by GMScud

I think you misread my post. I was referring to Julia's ex-husband being the biological father of the two children currently calling Jsarno "dad." I know Jsarno didn't have kids with his ex-wife.

I read your post again and now it makes more sense. I still have not seen the post where the kids are calling him dad but I did see where they are calling him pappi. As I said earlier I don't relate the word pappi with meaning dad but that could be because we live in different parts of the US. I personally just hope that when all is said and done that the best interest of the kids is what matters to all people involved. I'm guessing that at some point that will not happen to some degree.

[GMScud]

The only side I'm taking on this one is that of the children involved. A few people here are passing judgment about Jsarno's credibility and character. I'd rather not go that route. I don't know the man, but I understand mredskin's points about the inconsistent posts in the past. However, I have simply tried to give the best advice I can based on what I've been told.

Schneed10 makes great points on this one I think. Especially with regard to employment and parenting.

I guess for Jsarno you have to be careful what you ask for. The thread title is "advice needed." I suppose that doesn't mean you're going to like everything you hear.

I believe he has been given some good advice here, and I hope he heeds it.

[hooskins]

I agree with GM, js seems to be the kind of person who does not look at the valid suggestions. Hopefully he listens to everything.

[jsarno]

Originally Posted by Angry

He had a daughter with his first wife. With much respect I utter the words "She is Deceased". Tread carefully my friend.

Thank you Angry.

In regards to comments from others. I did not pick out the name papi, julia did. Yes, it was in reference to David Ortiz...I AM from Boston after all, and unfortunately I have a similar stature. The youngest did call me "DADDY" once and I corrected him. I have already said on this site I am not trying to replace their father and I want him to be a part of their life.

One comment stuck out to me...I think it was from GM, but please correct me if I am wrong. That I was (paraphrasing) a horrible father and husband. I didn't have a chance to be a horrible, or good father, my daughter died shortly after birth 5 years ago. That was our 1 and only shot at a child as she (my ex) had massive complications to the point that she couldn't have any other children. As a husband, not sure how you would know I was horrible considering how much I put up with. You didn't know the situation, and having an 11+ year marriage and an ex wife that is still wanting me back (with lots of counseling) I'd have to say that I was a damn good husband. Why people feel the need to insert their own assumptions is beyond me. Someone said this thread is about "advice needed" and you need to understand there will be the other side to the story (again paraphrasing), and I completely understand this. I have listened to everyone on this thread except 1 person (who has been verbally abusive), and while some were negative, I still listened. I understand I am not doing what is deemed "appropriate", or "right". This is an uphill battle for me, and for Julia. The kids are of the utmost importance to BOTH OF US, and we have them as our focal point on a DAILY basis. A lot of the comments here have gone WAAAAY beyond "advice needed". To those that have maintained the course, I thank you. Negative or not, I thank you. I need to hear both sides of the story so I know what to expect and can make better judgements because I have a fuller picture.
For those that have been positive, I sincerely appreciate your well wishes, and comments. This situation is hard enough as it is. Like SS pointed out, I don't know any of you (except 2), and likely never will. I understand I am striking a cord with some of you, and for some, that is an issue for your counselor, for others I get it. I have stayed away from any retorts cause I understand this is not an ideal situation, and it's touchy to some. To those that are taking this too close to heart, the only advice I can give you (not that you want my advice) is to take care of your own situation. Worry about the skeletons in your own closet. Treat those close to you and around you right and you wont be in this situation. I honestly don't wish this on anyone, and anyone that has been through this (from either side) knows this sucks and is not easy. It's so easy to cast a stone at someone for doing something wrong, and lets face it, this situation is an EASY TARGET, but don't worry about the splinter in my eye when there may just be a log in yours.
Again, I apologize to all of those I may have offended, I assure you that was not the intent of this thread. Any advice, good or bad, wise or not, positive or negative is certainly welcomed and absorbed.

[jsarno]

Originally Posted by love them hogs

He is very well adjusted.Gets good grades,plays baseball and soccer and is a completely normal kid.I suppose that he was so young when I came along that it all seems natural to him to have two Daddies.It also helped a bunch that his biological father and I got along rather well believe it or not.It got to the point where it was actually easier for just me to go and do the dropping off and picking up when it came time for visitation.Early on we had a conversation,his bio-father and I,where I explained that I would never try to replace him and that I understood that he was an important part of his life.You will have to be thick skinned at first because there is bound to be hard feelings, but hopefully with a little time and patience things will get at very least civil.

That's good to know, thanks.

I have not met their biological father yet, and that doesn't appear to be in the immediate future, but i am sure it will happen at some point. I will have to put myself in his shoes when that does happen. I can only hope we can be civil.
What recommendations / advice do you have for me to help with my first encounter with the bio-father? What was good / bad in your experience?

[firstdown]

Originally Posted by jsarno

Thank you Angry.

In regards to comments from others. I did not pick out the name papi, julia did. Yes, it was in reference to David Ortiz...I AM from Boston after all, and unfortunately I have a similar stature. The youngest did call me "DADDY" once and I corrected him. I have already said on this site I am not trying to replace their father and I want him to be a part of their life.

One comment stuck out to me...I think it was from GM, but please correct me if I am wrong. That I was (paraphrasing) a horrible father and husband. I didn't have a chance to be a horrible, or good father, my daughter died shortly after birth 5 years ago. That was our 1 and only shot at a child as she (my ex) had massive complications to the point that she couldn't have any other children. As a husband, not sure how you would know I was horrible considering how much I put up with. You didn't know the situation, and having an 11+ year marriage and an ex wife that is still wanting me back (with lots of counseling) I'd have to say that I was a damn good husband. Why people feel the need to insert their own assumptions is beyond me. Someone said this thread is about "advice needed" and you need to understand there will be the other side to the story (again paraphrasing), and I completely understand this. I have listened to everyone on this thread except 1 person (who has been verbally abusive), and while some were negative, I still listened. I understand I am not doing what is deemed "appropriate", or "right". This is an uphill battle for me, and for Julia. The kids are of the utmost importance to BOTH OF US, and we have them as our focal point on a DAILY basis. A lot of the comments here have gone WAAAAY beyond "advice needed". To those that have maintained the course, I thank you. Negative or not, I thank you. I need to hear both sides of the story so I know what to expect and can make better judgements because I have a fuller picture.
For those that have been positive, I sincerely appreciate your well wishes, and comments. This situation is hard enough as it is. Like SS pointed out, I don't know any of you (except 2), and likely never will. I understand I am striking a cord with some of you, and for some, that is an issue for your counselor, for others I get it. I have stayed away from any retorts cause I understand this is not an ideal situation, and it's touchy to some. To those that are taking this too close to heart, the only advice I can give you (not that you want my advice) is to take care of your own situation. Worry about the skeletons in your own closet. Treat those close to you and around you right and you wont be in this situation. I honestly don't wish this on anyone, and anyone that has been through this (from either side) knows this sucks and is not easy. It's so easy to cast a stone at someone for doing something wrong, and lets face it, this situation is an EASY TARGET, but don't worry about the splinter in my eye when there may just be a log in yours.
Again, I apologize to all of those I may have offended, I assure you that was not the intent of this thread. Any advice, good or bad, wise or not, positive or negative is certainly welcomed and absorbed.

Not to speak for GM but he was talking about the childrens father and not you as I made the same mistake thinking was talking about you.

[GMScud]

Originally Posted by hooskins

I agree with GM, js seems to be the kind of person who does not look at the valid suggestions. Hopefully he listens to everything.

I never said that. I said he got some good advice here and I hope he listens to some of it.

And Jsarno - I never said anything about you being a bad father. I was referring to Julia's ex. I had forgotten you and your ex-wife lost your first child. My apologies.

[jsarno]

Originally Posted by GMScud

I never said that. I said he got some good advice here and I hope he listens to some of it.

And Jsarno - I never said anything about you being a bad father. I was referring to Julia's ex. I had forgotten you and your ex-wife lost your first child. My apologies.

Thanks for clarifying...I misread your post, I'm sorry.

[firstdown]

Originally Posted by jsarno

That's good to know, thanks.

I have not met their biological father yet, and that doesn't appear to be in the immediate future, but i am sure it will happen at some point. I will have to put myself in his shoes when that does happen. I can only hope we can be civil.
What recommendations / advice do you have for me to help with my first encounter with the bio-father? What was good / bad in your experience?

Not sure how her x feels at this time but I'd give it some time for him to cool down if thats needed and then I would give him a call. Tell him how you feel about not trying to take his place and all that stuff. I would also offer to let him tell you how he feels about whats going on and let him ask questions about you. If your up front about things and you make him comfortable talking with you things could go much smoother with the children. Its when people do not comunicate that things get worse instead of getting better. I would not be surprised if he tells you off but if you tell him you understand how he feels there is only so much he can say as you would feel the same way if thing where reverse.

[jsarno]

Originally Posted by firstdown

Not sure how her x feels at this time but I'd give it some time for him to cool down if thats needed and then I would give him a call. Tell him how you feel about not trying to take his place and all that stuff. I would also offer to let him tell you how he feels about whats going on and let him ask questions about you. If your up front about things and you make him comfortable talking with you things could go much smoother with the children. Its when people do not comunicate that things get worse instead of getting better. I would not be surprised if he tells you off but if you tell him you understand how he feels there is only so much he can say as you would feel the same way if thing where reverse.

When you said "call him", I was like WHHHHHAAAAAAT??? But after letting it absorb, it's sound advice. Thank you...I will have to try that at some point, but I am sure that won't happen for quite some time...it's still too fresh.

[love them hogs]

Originally Posted by jsarno

That's good to know, thanks.

I have not met their biological father yet, and that doesn't appear to be in the immediate future, but i am sure it will happen at some point. I will have to put myself in his shoes when that does happen. I can only hope we can be civil.
What recommendations / advice do you have for me to help with my first encounter with the bio-father? What was good / bad in your experience?

Its probably good that the two of you don't meet until things cool down a bit.It will take time for it to sink in that you are there and not going anywhere.
When you do meet I wouldn't say much at first and just try to gauge how he reacts to you.If he seems to be civil then go ahead and try to have the conversation about not trying to replace him.I would suggest doing this in person, face to face,not over the phone.It will carry more weight if he can look you in the eyes and know that you are telling him the truth.
Its obviously going to be awkward at first but it should get better with time.I was lucky in that he had already found someone new when we first met face to face.So once we had the conversation things really smoothed out and we were about as friendly with each other as two men in that situation could be.

Hope this helps and good luck.

[DynamiteRave]

This thread is amazing and needs to be bumped. It's been over a year and newer members need to embrace the absolute hilarity of this thread.

Props to mredskins for making me legit laugh out loud.

[KLHJ2]

First you mention the "NET" which by itself is a sin against this site and then you go an dig up this disaster. Are you trying to start Armageddon?

On a side note I have actually driven through the valley of har məgiddô where it is prophesized that Armageddon would take place. I'm not much of the religous type any more but it was kinda freaky. For those who don't know Armageddon is not just a cool name for a movie. Armageddon - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Back to the subject at hand, this thread needs to be cast into Gehenna.

[MTK]

I wonder what ending up happening? I think we need some closure.

[KLHJ2]

You want closure? The husband tracked him down killed him and fed him to the coyotees.

I am speculating of course but the last time he was on this site was 1 month ago.