understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??

[SmootSmack]

Originally Posted by SolidSnake84

Fine. F#ck this. F#ck all of this. The first few days of this thread everybody says how its not my fault. Now the last few days and this says its got to be because of me and how i'm being selfish.

So F#ck my problem and F this thread. Congrats to everyone sincerely who are happily married and get it more than once a month. I tip my hand to everybody else who says that sex dries up in marriage and thats just the way it is. If i missed anyone, let me know.

Woah! Easy now. I think you're missing what we're trying to say here. Well, I won't speak for others, but all I'm saying is-and look, we've all been there, when we "act" purely for selfish reasons-but considering what you're going through you just need to move a bit diplomatically. From everything you've described, this doesn't appear to be your fault. But this isn't just some fling we're talking about here. It's your wife. So you could dwell on whose fault it is and gettin' some tonight. But is that really all you want?

[12thMan]

Crap, I'm trying to post this YouTube video but it won't work.

[CRedskinsRule]

Originally Posted by SolidSnake84

Fine. F#ck this. F#ck all of this. The first few days of this thread everybody says how its not my fault. Now the last few days and this says its got to be because of me and how i'm being selfish.

So F#ck my problem and F this thread. Congrats to everyone sincerely who are happily married and get it more than once a month. I tip my hand to everybody else who says that sex dries up in marriage and thats just the way it is. If i missed anyone, let me know.

You really missed the point. A relationship is NEVER one person's fault. I am divorced and I would love to blame my ex - Can I get some backup Joe? - but reality is marriage is a 2 person commitment. From many of your posts, here and in other threads, it is clear that you can be impetuous about things, and I was trying to point out that a bull headed rush the first day that she is off of her monthly time may not be the best move. You still need to understand why she has backed off, and what her issues are. We all have supported you that she needs to be more talkative and clearly discuss why she has, and lacking that discussion, your frustration is certainly understandable. BUT, if you haven't had the discussion, and you choose to push a now or never approach, then yes you start becoming a larger stumbling block to your own stated goal of getting the relationship on track.

[CRedskinsRule]

Originally Posted by 12thMan

Dang I was hoping that this was the spoiler for tonight's festivities, written in a white for those who wanted to wait till tomorrow

[MonkFan4Life]

Solid don't get so upset bro. You have to find a way to laugh through the pain.

I have been where you are. Many of us have. My sexual relationship with my wife is on a good ground now but perfect ? NO. I've been married for 4 years this September the 9th and I've been with my wife for 10 years now. The first 1 and a half she was my **** buddy. When I wanted it, I got it. How I wanted it, I got it. No matter the time, the place, whatever. After we became serious it started to slow down then when we moved in together I swear it would be about once a month. Once a month for about a year which then became about once every two months. Then once every 3 months. This went on for a loooong time. Even after getting married sex or lack there of was a major issue for me. Especially when I do all the cooking, most of the cleaning, and not to toot my horn I'm a damn good husband. I treat that broad right. Did I bitch about the sex thing ? ALL THE TIME.

Our sex was so infrequent I KNEW that day that she got pregnant. That's how bad it was. I went through 7 plus years of when she felt like it sex. Almost ended our relationship. But what I found to be most effective was when I stopped asking. We had many arguments about it, but what a lot of us have been saying is to take it slow. If she has been giving you excuse after excuse it's probably because she doesn't have an answer to give you. That was the worst thing for me.

To tell me "I don't know why I don't want to have sex with you" was complete and utter bullshit to me. After talking to my sister who works at an OB, she told me that women come into her office all the time about stuff like that. So while I may put up a link to a clip from Johnny Dangerously or Fast Times those are jokes but still I don't know all the answers. I can just tell you what worked for me. And what you're doing and how you are feeling now didn't. You are angry, confused, and frustrated. You only way to deal with it is in absolutes. But you have to think like a woman, she wants a reason to argue so she can point to that to say "this is why" but you can't give her that. Which is why I eventually took my friends advice and not asking for it.

Was it fun ? No, was it easy, hell no. Did it work ? Id like to say that it did. Sometimes I have to do it still. But now I can take solice in the fact that on Friday after we've picked our son up from daycare she's gonna look at me and say, "well it's the weekend". And even though I know what she means I always say, "yeah I know, we get to rest, get some cleaning done,...what do you have planned ?" Then she'll say, "well you know, we can do some things" 3 days out of the week I have the chance to get some tail. That is her compromise. Do I ask for it during the week ? Occasionally, will I get it ? Meh, it's hit or miss.

But be patient man. Just be with her, and it will all work itself out. Should you have to go through all of this ? No, but the fact is that you kinda have to. Unless you want to be lying next to her in the bed yet you all are so far apart.

Hit a J, drink some Remy, and play some Call of Duty. I prestiged and killed about 3,559,052 zombies off the no sex time. Many a frustraion was let out in Rust !

Keep your head up, just be patient. Be an all world husband but give it some time before you try to crank.

[tryfuhl]

lead into it with a good dinner, massage, something

[tryfuhl]

Originally Posted by SolidSnake84

Fine. F#ck this. F#ck all of this. The first few days of this thread everybody says how its not my fault. Now the last few days and this says its got to be because of me and how i'm being selfish.

So F#ck my problem and F this thread. Congrats to everyone sincerely who are happily married and get it more than once a month. I tip my hand to everybody else who says that sex dries up in marriage and thats just the way it is. If i missed anyone, let me know.

I've been there with you.. though I haven't been married and these guys that are sad that they're not single laughed at me for it

[JoeRedskin]

Originally Posted by tryfuhl

I've been there with you.. though I haven't been married and these guys that are sad that they're not single laughed at me for it

First, no, you haven't been there with him. He's married, you're not. Kind of apples and oranges. He's, supposedly, in it for the long haul. You, not so much. No offense, but that's just one of those - "I don't know what I'm talking about." comments.

Second, maybe I missed it, not seeing anyone bitching about being married. Sure, it's not wonderful all the time. Sure, I love to complain about my wife as much as the next guy. But guess what - you can have your singleness. Been there done that. Didn't get married until I was 37, and by the end there, I was pretty much - okay, this sucks. Enjoy you're single days - maybe they end never for you. More power to you. Me - I'll take the partnership of a good woman through thick and thin, hot sex and no sex, friendship and distance. In the end, hopefully a long time from now, when they bury me in the ground, it won't be the many flings I had in my man-slut single days that I will be sorry to let go of, it will be the timeless, committed love of my beautiful wife.

Finally, SS84, you know - I just don't know what to say to you. I tried to explain that the "I'm just not that into you right now" moments happen in marriage. Ain't nothing you can do about it. Forcing it w/out finding out what's really going on, especially after her time of the month, just struck me as ignorant and selfish. But - hey - don't listen to the advice of someone who actually has "been there with you".

Just a couple questions for you SS84 - Are you in this marriage for the next 5 months or the next 50 years? If the later, are a couple days really going to make a difference?

[JoeRedskin]

Originally Posted by CRedskinsRule

You really missed the point. A relationship is NEVER one person's fault. I am divorced and I would love to blame my ex - Can I get some backup Joe? - but reality is marriage is a 2 person commitment. From many of your posts, here and in other threads, it is clear that you can be impetuous about things, and I was trying to point out that a bull headed rush the first day that she is off of her monthly time may not be the best move. You still need to understand why she has backed off, and what her issues are. We all have supported you that she needs to be more talkative and clearly discuss why she has, and lacking that discussion, your frustration is certainly understandable. BUT, if you haven't had the discussion, and you choose to push a now or never approach, then yes you start becoming a larger stumbling block to your own stated goal of getting the relationship on track.

I blame the selfish, petulant bitch. You can blame whoever you want.

[wilsowilso]

This is just my opinion. I am married with no kids.

I hope you have great luck tonight, but from everything I have read so far even if you are succesful it won't matter.

You yourself have mostly admitted that.

You two have stopped communicating. With this type of pressure/frustration it's really snowballed and now you just seem completely out of sorts.

My advice is you say to her tonight.

I don't want to have sex with you right now, but if you still respect and love me we need to TALK about sex tonight. Not for five minutes. We need to really talk about it because I'm frustrated and confused and I love you and I dont know where your heart and mind are at. You are my wife and my partner and I need you to communicate with me.

If she refuses you have to suggest marriage counseling. Strongly suggest.

[12thMan]

Like seriously, you guys are offering up some great advice here. This thread is golden regardless of who needs it.

[over the mountain]

solid - come on buddy. we are all guys here, almost all of us over older than our mid 20s, some of us are married, some of us arent, some are divorced.

relationships at this stage in our lives are serious. you are still a young man in relative terms. this thing is going to take some time imo.

like credskins said, setting a date and time certain can lead to collosal failure and disappointment.

in my earlier post i wrote what works for me. my girl has her period every freeakin month and it is a brutal rollercoaster of emotion. trust me i know.

look at other guys posts on here. most guys in a committed relationship or marriage arent getting it like thay used to. its just the way it is.

like in my earlier post, id check to see if your schedules dont leave alot of random spontaneous sex time or if her schedule is to demanding and makes her dead tired when she sgets home.

idk man, but just hang in there. it sounds like something she has to figure out internally. the thought and your thread title of considering leaving your loved one b/c you arent getting any seems alil drastic to me.

your still a young guy, be thankful you found the one you love, so love her. there is a long road ahead for both of you.

dangit solid, i was hoping to come on here and read something positive. you cant force a solution, you cant force a decision with this. this takes its own time and route. my advice is to be there for your lady every step of the way, all the way. she is probably more confused and frustrated than you.

[JoeRedskin]

Originally Posted by wilsowilso

This is just my opinion. I am married with no kids.

I hope you have great luck tonight, but from everything I have read so far even if you are succesful it won't matter.

You yourself have mostly admitted that.

You two have stopped communicating. With this type of pressure/frustration it's really snowballed and now you just seem completely out of sorts.

My advice is you say to her tonight.

I don't want to have sex with you right now, but if you still respect and love me we need to TALK about sex tonight. Not for five minutes. We need to really talk about it because I'm frustrated and confused and I love you and I dont know where your heart and mind are at. You are my wife and my partner and I need you to communicate with me.

If she refuses you have to suggest marriage counseling. Strongly suggest.

Excellent post. Excellent.

[BDBohnzie]

Originally Posted by SolidSnake84

Fine. F#ck this. F#ck all of this. The first few days of this thread everybody says how its not my fault. Now the last few days and this says its got to be because of me and how i'm being selfish.

So F#ck my problem and F this thread. Congrats to everyone sincerely who are happily married and get it more than once a month. I tip my hand to everybody else who says that sex dries up in marriage and thats just the way it is. If i missed anyone, let me know.

If this is what you got from this thread, you either have some maturing to do, or you simply missed the point.

There has been some excellent advice in this thread, some of which will apply and some won't. It's up to you to figure out what is what. We've all taken the time to pipe up because we've all been in similar if not the exact boat you are in. You are not alone man, and you have to realize that this won't get fixed just by having sex.

Above all else, open and honest communication is what will help you get through this bump. Marriage is a two-way street, and it's up to both you and your wife to figure out what's going on and how to right the ship. If you are upset or frustrated, she needs to know that and why you are. And if something's going on with her, she should be able to come to you with it. If you can't communicate, there is nothing else left.

I wish you well in your endeavor and hope that whatever is going on has a happy resolve.

[skinsfan69]

The hell w/ getting married. I enjoy having my own house with my own space. Especially on football Sunday. 3-4 days a week is enough for me and my GF. I don't want to see any women 7 days a week. I lived with one girl back in 05 and she was easy to live with. But I really had no desire to have sex with her cause we saw each other every damn day. IMO I just don't think a lot of people are meant to live w/ one another day after day and that is why the divorce rate is so high. People just get sick/tired of one another.