On Marriage

[BleedBurgundy]

I've been married twice. The first time, i did it for absolutely the wrong reasons (and quickly, knew each other less than a year) and was miserable every day. Every day. I dated my current wife for 3 years before popping the question and we were engaged 2 years before getting married. My 2nd anniversary is coming up on July 7th. I have not went to sleep unhappy once since being with my current wife, either while dating or married.

All of that said, the best advice I can give is this: Only get married to someone that you would want to be around all of the time, even if you couldn't have sex with her. If your personalities don't completely mesh, I think it's way too much of a compromise to live with. I'd also strongly suggest living together first before getting married. So many things come up that you could never imagine beforehand.

[MTK]

Originally Posted by Schneed10

In principle I agree with this, but I'd say if you're as mature as a typical 30 year old when you're 25, then go ahead and get married.

I got married at 24, but was very much settled down and was continuously making mature decisions. It has worked well for me.

Likewise, if you're as mature as a typical 25 year old when you're 40, then I'd still say don't get married.

I hear ya I'm just talking in general terms.

[KLHJ2]

I got married when I was 20 and I must say that I agree with you Matty. I love my family and would not trade them for anything, but if I could do it all over again I would have waited. I was not ready. Fortunately for us things have worked out, but that is not always the case.

[mredskins]

Originally Posted by Schneed10

In principle I agree with this, but I'd say if you're as mature as a typical 30 year old when you're 25, then go ahead and get married.

I got married at 24, but was very much settled down and was continuously making mature decisions. It has worked well for me.

Likewise, if you're as mature as a typical 25 year old when you're 40, then I'd still say don't get married.

IDK I had a hell of time betwen 20 and 30 and if I was married probably would have not had as many life experiences. Plus if I had gotton married early my spank bank would be seriously lacking deposits. =)

[Schneed10]

Originally Posted by mredskins

IDK I had a hell of time betwen 20 and 30 and if I was married probably would have not had as many life experiences. Plus if I had gotton married early my spank bank would be seriously lacking deposits. =)

Yeah, it depends on if you're the kind of person that likes or wants the kind of "life experiences" you're talking about.

[Schneed10]

But to more directly address Saden's questions:

To propose, I took her to her old house, the one she grew up in, at which she and I spent so much time together. We started dating when we were 19 and we both still lived at home. It was a place that was meaningful to us. I liked that better than going someplace cliche and romantic, like Paris or something, which definitely doesn't fit my style. I didn't do anything special, just got down on one knee and asked her. Where and how you do it is all about your own personal style, whatever fits with your personality.

As for why I proposed:

- She was crazy hot and good in bed.

- She had become my best friend, which is important because when all the head-over-heels-in-love feelings give way to the routine of daily life, friendship needs to be the foundation of a good marriage.

- She was thrifty with money like me, and had similar expectations for spending time with extended family. Those are important, those two issues cause a whole lot of divorces.

- And she was crazy hot and good in bed.

As for adjustments, none relating to seeing family or spending/saving money. I've had to be cleaner around the house, not a real big deal. She likes to know where I am at nearly all times, but that's not a problem for me, my life is pretty regimented and I like it that way. Overall we're a pretty good fit.

On kids, kids change things because they require so much work. We have similar family values so we agree on how to raise the kids. But it's the division of responsibility that takes effort. If someone is going to give the kids the bath, feed them, and change the diapers, somebody else has to come up with dinner at night and do the dishes.

If your wife will be a stay at home mom then division of responsibility gets easier, but still takes coordination and open communication.

[GhettoDogAllStars]

Originally Posted by Mattyk72

I think everyone should have to wait until at least the age of 30 to get married, and you should also have to live with that person for at least a year prior. No kids until after 30 as well.

Divorce rates are higher for couples who live together before marriage.

Lots of data on this can be found on the Internet... do a google search for "divorce and cohabitation" -- the theory on why it happens is basically a lack of commitment.

[jsarno]

Originally Posted by saden1

For those of you who are married what tips do you have for us unmarried guys? How and where did you propose? Why did you propose to her? What do you do to keep the spark going? What kind of adjustments did you have to make? What kind of impact have the children had on your marriage?

I was married for almost 12 years, but my best advice is to marry the one YOU REALLY WANT! I wouldn't be divorced now if I followed that advice. I made it work with a friend for almost 12 years by being selfless. If you do anything to make a marriage work, it's selflessness. Women pay attention to little things that men don't really care about. Like if you have a bad day, and you don't give her that kiss, or hug when you get home like you always do, they file it and bring it up later (or explode later depending on the type of woman you have). if you listen to nothing else, listen to this...Even when you are down, you need to think of them. When you get married, it's no longer about you, it's about her. After you have kids, then it's kids first, wife second, you last. If you are ready to put yourself behind others, then marriage is for you. Hopefully she will feel the same and treat you as such. A lot of men think marriage is sex whenever you want and all great days...marriage takes work. Sure, it can be A LOT of fun, and I wouldn't trade my 12 years of marriage for anything to be honest, I learned a lot. You just have to remember she is more important than you. You need to be ready to put the person you are with ahead of you forever. If you are selfish, you won't make it.
Can't help you with spark, my marriage had none. LOL. This is why I'll never marry a virgin again. haha. Now I have a ton of spark with my new fiance, but it's still new, we haven't hit that wall yet. Always try to spice it up though, routine gets boring VERY fast.
Everyone thinks their woman is that special someone, until they marry them. You need to KNOW this, and commit to it even when it's hard. If there is someone in your past that you think you love more, you better make sure that door is 100% shut, or explore that option first.

[mredskins]

Originally Posted by Schneed10

Yeah, it depends on if you're the kind of person that likes or wants the kind of "life experiences" you're talking about.

Everyone is diffrent. The married life you describe in post #21 would have sent me to divorce court. I like my freedom and never could deal with my wife always having to know where I am. Neither is right or wrong just what works for you.

[GhettoDogAllStars]

I'd say, keep the wanting to a minimum and you'll be fine. The more you want, the more suffering and disappointment you'll endure.

[Slingin Sammy 33]

Originally Posted by saden1

I got my finger on the trigger ready to fire at a beautiful figure. Only problem is she likes the idea of a fall wedding and I'm like "nu-uh, that's football season!"

#4 from Smoot's post is the biggest thing. All the other stuff is personal to you and her and you'll do it right I'm sure.

Once married, your responsibilities definitely go: kids, her, whatever else she wants you to do, work, whatever else she forgot to ask earlier, whatever work didn't get done earlier,.......then you.

Before you pull the trigger, think about how you feel with her when there's been a problem/fight. If the happiness you have with her outweighs feeling that way about 20% of the time then you'll be OK.

Schedule the wedding for the weekend of Oct. 31.

Dead-man walking LOL

[BDBohnzie]

How? I proposed at home, rose petals leading her to me on one knee. We had already started talking about marriage and once I got the ring designed and made, I picked a day and did it. We got married on the 5 year anniversary of our first date, and had lived together just over a year. So during that year, we were able to make adjustments to each other's habits. This past April was our 4 year anniversary.

If you are getting ready to propose and plan, remember this. Your wedding reception is just a big party for your family and friends that you are paying for. Do not let the guest list and money spent exceed what you are comfortable with.

Why? I proposed to my wife because she is not only my best friend, but she accepted me for who I was. She never tried to change who I was or what I was about, and I find myself very lucky. Now I'm adjusting into fatherhood, and there are definitely more bumps in the road than when i was adjusting to marriage.

Kids/Spark? With 2 kids that are 15 months apart, the spark is on a very low flicker right now, but we both understand that and try to do little things for each other when we can. And while our needs for each other are suffering a bit with the kids constantly getting our attention, our relationship hasn't suffered at all. We both have picked up slack for the other, and are doing the best we can raising our girls. My wife has a tough time having people watch the kids (not a trust issue, but a wanting to spend time with them issue, which I completely understand as we both work and don't have much time during the week with the girls), but we're slowly working on that so we can have some Us time. That's important, to have alone time away from the kids.

Advice? Communication is the key. If you can't talk it out with each other without one constantly getting hurt, it'll only make things worse in the long run. It's something my wife and I are constantly working on, as we're similar when it comes to sharing feelings. However, if you can get through a typical argument and both sides are content, you are on the right track.

[Schneed10]

Originally Posted by mredskins

Everyone is diffrent. The married life you describe in post #21 would have sent me to divorce court. I like my freedom and never could deal with my wife always having to know where I am. Neither is right or wrong just what works for you.

Exactly. Biggest thing here is to know thyself. Like if you're the kind of guy who still loves to go out to bars on weeknights and have the freedom to take off and do God knows what, then you should either refrain from having kids, or make sure the woman you're having said kids with is cool with taking on all of the responsibility.

If you go having kids without thinking about how it will affect the things you like to do, you're setting yourself up for depression and relationship complications when said unwanted change comes along.

[mredskins]

Originally Posted by BDBohnzie

How? I proposed at home, rose petals leading her to me on one knee. We had already started talking about marriage and once I got the ring designed and made, I picked a day and did it. We got married on the 5 year anniversary of our first date, and had lived together just over a year. So during that year, we were able to make adjustments to each other's habits. This past April was our 4 year anniversary.

If you are getting ready to propose and plan, remember this. Your wedding reception is just a big party for your family and friends that you are paying for. Do not let the guest list and money spent exceed what you are comfortable with.

Why? I proposed to my wife because she is not only my best friend, but she accepted me for who I was. She never tried to change who I was or what I was about, and I find myself very lucky. Now I'm adjusting into fatherhood, and there are definitely more bumps in the road than when i was adjusting to marriage.

Kids/Spark? With 2 kids that are 15 months apart, the spark is on a very low flicker right now, but we both understand that and try to do little things for each other when we can. And while our needs for each other are suffering a bit with the kids constantly getting our attention, our relationship hasn't suffered at all. We both have picked up slack for the other, and are doing the best we can raising our girls. My wife has a tough time having people watch the kids (not a trust issue, but a wanting to spend time with them issue, which I completely understand as we both work and don't have much time during the week with the girls), but we're slowly working on that so we can have some Us time. That's important, to have alone time away from the kids.

Advice? Communication is the key. If you can't talk it out with each other without one constantly getting hurt, it'll only make things worse in the long run. It's something my wife and I are constantly working on, as we're similar when it comes to sharing feelings. However, if you can get through a typical argument and both sides are content, you are on the right track.

Wow this is a great post!

You are living my life to the power of 2. I have a 15 month old, kids are tough work. I love the people that have rocky relationships and decide to have a kid to try to smooth things over, LOL that is really going to work.

Keep on truckn' buddy you are on the right path!

[SmootSmack]

Originally Posted by BDBohnzie

Advice? Communication is the key. If you can't talk it out with each other without one constantly getting hurt, it'll only make things worse in the long run. It's something my wife and I are constantly working on, as we're similar when it comes to sharing feelings. However, if you can get through a typical argument and both sides are content, you are on the right track.

The Artist Formerly Known as Prince (not to be confused with The Artist Formerly Known as SmootSmack) once wrote in one of his songs..."would you run to me if somebody hurt you, even if that somebody was me"

That's kind of what's it about. You have to be willing to communicate no matter how difficult. Admittedly, my wife is much better at this than me.