Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

Dude lock yourself in the bathroom and toss off to Laura Croft.

[YT]VvYcaWSFFaI[/YT]

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

Hey Solid I know we butted heads in the Campbell thread but I can seriously feel your pain. From reading it seems that you like most men probably would like to have sex every second of every day. Hell you wouldn't have married her if you didn't. When I had my issues with my wife and believe me they went on for years. I would stay as persistent as I always had before. When I wanted it I asked, I asked why when she didn't want to and as a man I always wanted to break out my "toolbox" because I felt like any situation could be fixed. But what I found to be most effective was to not ask for sex. Now this took me a while to perfect because when the feeling came I was ready and she knew. But when you don't ask for it then they begin to wonder why. Eventually she asked me why and I was honest in saying that when I ask you're going to say no so why put myself through the bullshit. Which did end up starting an arument or 40. Never the less, we would have occasional sex and when I say occasional I mean like maybe once a month type of shit.

We've been to many marriage workshops and stuff like that. She finds the crap and I go. Usually it ends up helping in some way shape or form. Mostly with communication. We went to this Bible based joint early this year and the guys were talking about having sex and how it has to be done because it keeps the realtionship healthy. Now praying and all that before cranking ?..... cant do it. Because what I do in the bed has NOTHING to do with God unless she's calling him I can tell you that. But I say that to say tha communication is the key. It's not your fault that this is such a silent issue betwen the two but that what is missing. So be patient above all.

She would tell me how she would want to while she was at work but the seond she got home other things took over and she would eventually be too tired. We had many talks where I would tell her that I do everything that I should be doing around the house, with the baby, whatever and all I ask for is this one thing. Long story short, now I'm pretty much a lock to get some tail on weekends. Is it what I want ? Hell no. But, that's the tender morsel of heaven that I have to go with now. Sex is something that she never wants to talk about because she says she has this self esteem thing or that she doesn't feel right atlking about it. Which is crazy because the things that we have done....sorry Smoot. TMI.

Anyway, just stop asking her for it, make it seem as though you don't give a shit if you all get it in or not. Try not to breathe hard so that she knows that you're frustrated when she wants to spoon and if you blood rushes down there let it be. Compliment her and all of that good stuff. But under no circumstances do you let this be a deal breaker. You all got married for a reason, the sex will come. Now if this thread was titled "I'm Going Crazy Because My Wife Is A Bitch" then maybe we can start finding lawers. I got a friend who is close to divorce and it's a litle disheartening.

Keep the faith, Keep the love, be patient, and like Angry said whack it to Laura Croft. Or some good ol Lesbo Porn ! Or whatever you prefer, I just don't like dudes in mine. I'd say I'm about 99-1 on all chick to anything with a dude stuff. There have to be some pretty mean There are many sites where you can get 200 min of movie time for ONLY $19.99. I've still got my log in just incase there is another dry spell !

Good Luck Man !

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

Shit you can get it for free at Pornhub. As many minutes as you want no membership and no fee.

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

This thread and the advice is going down hill fast.

Yes porn is definitely the answer to your issue. [I][B]eyes roll[/B][/I]

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

[quote=MonkFan4Life;720798]Hey Solid I know we butted heads in the Campbell thread but I can seriously feel your pain. From reading it seems that you like most men probably would like to have sex every second of every day. Hell you wouldn't have married her if you didn't. When I had my issues with my wife and believe me they went on for years. I would stay as persistent as I always had before. When I wanted it I asked, I asked why when she didn't want to and as a man I always wanted to break out my "toolbox" because I felt like any situation could be fixed. But what I found to be most effective was to not ask for sex. Now this took me a while to perfect because when the feeling came I was ready and she knew. But when you don't ask for it then they begin to wonder why. Eventually she asked me why and I was honest in saying that when I ask you're going to say no so why put myself through the bullshit. Which did end up starting an arument or 40. Never the less, we would have occasional sex and when I say occasional I mean like maybe once a month type of shit.

We've been to many marriage workshops and stuff like that. She finds the crap and I go. Usually it ends up helping in some way shape or form. Mostly with communication. We went to this Bible based joint early this year and the guys were talking about having sex and how it has to be done because it keeps the realtionship healthy. Now praying and all that before cranking ?..... cant do it. Because what I do in the bed has NOTHING to do with God unless she's calling him I can tell you that. But I say that to say tha communication is the key. It's not your fault that this is such a silent issue betwen the two but that what is missing. So be patient above all.

She would tell me how she would want to while she was at work but the seond she got home other things took over and she would eventually be too tired. We had many talks where I would tell her that I do everything that I should be doing around the house, with the baby, whatever and all I ask for is this one thing. Long story short, now I'm pretty much a lock to get some tail on weekends. Is it what I want ? Hell no. But, that's the tender morsel of heaven that I have to go with now. Sex is something that she never wants to talk about because she says she has this self esteem thing or that she doesn't feel right atlking about it. Which is crazy because the things that we have done....sorry Smoot. TMI.

Anyway, just stop asking her for it, make it seem as though you don't give a shit if you all get it in or not. Try not to breathe hard so that she knows that you're frustrated when she wants to spoon and if you blood rushes down there let it be. Compliment her and all of that good stuff. But under no circumstances do you let this be a deal breaker. You all got married for a reason, the sex will come. Now if this thread was titled "I'm Going Crazy Because My Wife Is A Bitch" then maybe we can start finding lawers. I got a friend who is close to divorce and it's a litle disheartening.

Keep the faith, Keep the love, be patient, and like Angry said whack it to Laura Croft. Or some good ol Lesbo Porn ! There are many sites where you can get 200 min of movie time for ONLY $19.99. I've still got my log in just incase there is another dry spell !

Good Luck Man ![/quote]

I dont remember butting heads in the Campbell thread, but if we did I'm sorry. One thing I do like about the board is that with the exception of a few trolls that pop in here and there, people get along basically great here even when they are disagreeing.

Everybody has been giving great advice and it really makes me feel good to know that I am not alone. I still am shocked at the amount of men that get married and then the sex just dries up. Where are these women getting it from then??? I have a hard time believing that people just stop and are ok with it.

I found a USA today poll like i mentioned earlier, that was horrifying. 65% of married adults have sex only once a week, 20% have sex once every 2 weeks, and horrifyingly 15% have sex less than once a month....Somebody seriously needs to find out why. I find it hard to believe that every single man or women resort to prostitutes or having an affair to get what they need.

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

Hey nothing wrong with a once or twice per week, especially if you've been in a long-term relationship. There are plenty of reasons why the sex life takes a dip after marriage. It's not rocket science. Kids, careers, hobbies, priorities, etc.

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

[quote=SolidSnake84;720816]I dont remember butting heads in the Campbell thread, but if we did I'm sorry. One thing I do like about the board is that with the exception of a few trolls that pop in here and there, people get along basically great here even when they are disagreeing.

Everybody has been giving great advice and it really makes me feel good to know that I am not alone. I still am shocked at the amount of men that get married and then the sex just dries up. Where are these women getting it from then??? I have a hard time believing that people just stop and are ok with it.

[B]I found a USA today poll like i mentioned earlier, that was horrifying. 65% of married adults have sex only once a week, 20% have sex once every 2 weeks, and horrifyingly 15% have sex less than once a month....Somebody seriously needs to find out why. I find it hard to believe that every single man or women resort to prostitutes or having an affair to get what they need.[/B][/quote]


Dude you need to have a kids and then look at these stats you will still be horrified but you will be wondering how all these folks are still have enough time to or energy to even have that much sex.

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

[quote=mredskins;720815]This thread and the advice is going down hill fast.

Yes porn is definitely the answer to your issue. [I][B]eyes roll[/B][/I][/quote]

I could make your head roll if you think that would help.

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

BTW, I was just kidding mredskins.

I thought that this was appropriate.


Man comes into a bank wearing a ski mask.
He goes up to the counter, takes out a gun, points it at the teller and says, “This is a robbery”.
She quietly says, “Sir, this isn’t a regular bank. This is a sperm bank.”
“Just do what I tell you. Grab one of those bottles behind you.”
“Sir, those are bottles of sperm!”
He points his gun at her, “Pick it up and drink it.”
She has no choice so she takes off the cap and drinks the sperm.
The gunman looks at her, pulls off his mask and it’s her husband, “Now, was that so difficult…!”

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

[quote=mredskins;720815]This thread and the advice is going down hill fast.

Yes porn is definitely the answer to your issue. [I][B]eyes roll[/B][/I][/quote]

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9alvLdf5eWw]YouTube - Your testicles and you[/ame]

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

[quote=SolidSnake84;720774]Hey guys im back. The weekend was kind of busy and I've got both good news and bad news to report.

I can tell you first that we made huge progress over the weekend. On Saturday we were together all day between going to yard sales and also going over to my father's for his birthday dinner. She told me that there are some nights that she is in the mood mentally, but physical exhaustion takes it from her.

She also told me that sometimes i annoy her or piss her off, leading to her not wanting to have sex. I guess there are annoying habits of mine that i am letting slip. (I had this problem when i was engaged).

And now the bad news: It will be Wednesday at the earliest that i can try again....Wife is having that monthly time....so i suffer a few more days, and hopefully end this horrible spell on Wednesday. Thanks everybody[/quote]

Well, progress. That couch scene on Friday was BAD...she seemed psycho or..."out of town" in female terms, which was confirmed.

Of course, that may explain that particular moment of insanity but not the previous 5 weeks.

Crazy how she accuses YOU of leading her on and letting her down. That's almost laughable...like you'd actually turn her down if she wanted to do something.

I say keep talking, even if it only gets you a longer list of your offenses and complaints about you...it's something and progress.


If this continues on for another month, I'd SERIOUSLY try to get her into marriage counseling if you don't find out about any physical/medical/hormonal problems. It's no fun but it will be the only resort to try to save the relationship. You can't let her screw with your emotions and sanity constantly...or have all of the power in the relationship. No one party should, it needs to be a give-and-take thing, compromising to make the other person happy. If either one of you is only in it for your own personal happiness, no one will be happy.

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

[quote=SolidSnake84;720816]I dont remember butting heads in the Campbell thread, but if we did I'm sorry. One thing I do like about the board is that with the exception of a few trolls that pop in here and there, people get along basically great here even when they are disagreeing.

Everybody has been giving great advice and it really makes me feel good to know that I am not alone. I still am shocked at the amount of men that get married and then the sex just dries up. Where are these women getting it from then??? I have a hard time believing that people just stop and are ok with it.

I found a USA today poll like i mentioned earlier, that was horrifying. 65% of married adults have sex only once a week, 20% have sex once every 2 weeks, and horrifyingly 15% have sex less than once a month....Somebody seriously needs to find out why. I find it hard to believe that every single man or women resort to prostitutes or having an affair to get what they need.[/quote]

Those poll number do not add up or the questions were very limited. When she said it was that time of month you should have encouraged her to do something else. Nothing spells love better the Blow J#%. JK

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

[quote=SolidSnake84;720388]Hey good morning everyone again.

Last night didn't go so well. I was watching the Skins game alone, because my wife went to visit her parents because it was her brother's 19th birthday.

...

I will continue to pray and seek advice from people and start getting a gameplan together, because I do believe now that this is the beginning of the end.[/quote]

I read this awhile ago, so sorry for jumping in late. Ignoring all the stuff that went on, your first bit seems to set a bit of a tone, and your last sentence completes it. You say you were watching the game alone, and I read it like you were blaming her for that fact, when in fact, it was a preseason game. If you want to be getting "cuddly" with your wife you should have been at her brother's b'day party. Right there you are choosing football over family, at least possibly in her eyes, and it was important enough to her that she went. You then go on a bit of a rant against her actions, but really from her eyes were your actions any less self serving, sure you did the massage and everything, but she probably was ticked off that you didn't go with her and the minute she gets home you are on her like a cat in heat.

Then you end with a doom statement, that this is the beginning of the end. Boy, if she catches that vibe from you, I am sure that would make her want you all the more. It just seems, and of course not having a real inkling of anything other than words on screens, that you are not really looking at yourself through her eyes. How different could Friday have been, if you had gone to the B'day party, made every effort to stay in good graces with her family (i also assume that there is some blocks there or else you would have gone), and then driven her home, and shared more intimacy, up to but not necessarily including sex. Instead, you watched your game, maybe sulking that you were alone - maybe not, she comes home, and you start doing your lets be intimate dance, which she probably knows and by then was already not in the mood for. Further, she probably started off thinking, well let's do this and that way he's off my back for a while, but as the massaging went on, her mind went back to the things that she was ticked about thus leading to the tirade.

Finally sorry for the poor paragraph/grammer. keep writing some then working then writing etc...

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

You call 32 days a Dry spell...........

Wait until you have kids...lol

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

^ I agree, but there's a little more going on than that.

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

I can chalk it up to all the problems being on me....or caused by me.

I just want to know what it is besides my annoying habits, which i will explain if anyone wants to know

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

what are your annoying habits?

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

[quote=SolidSnake84;720945]I can chalk it up to all the problems being on me....or caused by me.

I just want to know what it is besides my annoying habits, which i will explain if anyone wants to know[/quote]

Wait, so now it's all your fault?

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

[quote=saden1;720946]what are your annoying habits?[/quote]

Ok guys please dont laugh at me because i'm being brutally honest here:

she doesnt like her face being touched. I cup her chin sometimes to be playful.

I grab her butt when she isnt paying attention, and sometimes it makes her mad.

I have a habitually negative demeanor sometimes; i can be too overdramatic. For example, yesterday i was describing our recent drought (weather wise, not sex lol) to a neighbor, and i was telling him how lucky we were for the rain, because "people were near death" in my own words. Sometimes i say things like that and i honestly cant help it. it is so random.

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

[quote=SmootSmack;720948]Wait, so now it's all your fault?[/quote]

Im saying as a man, i can accept that it is something caused by me, because i dont want to believe that she is not interested in me like that anymore.

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

[quote=SolidSnake84;720945]I can chalk it up to all the problems being on me....or caused by me.

I just want to know what it is besides my annoying habits, which i will explain if anyone wants to know[/quote]

Well my divorce certainly was caused by two people, not just one or the other. My point before, was that if you want to resolve the situation, maybe you need to look at your actions as well as hers. If you are going to simply say yes I have annoying habits, but then blanket disregard them by making a sweeping declaration, then you will not succeed in making it work.

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

[quote=SolidSnake84;720949]yesterday i was describing our recent drought (weather wise, not sex lol) to a neighbor, and i was telling him how lucky we were for the rain, because "people were near death" in my own words. [/quote]

What? :confused-

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

[quote=Buster;720957]What? :confused-[/quote]

There is a big time water shortage here. A few people that live nearby has lost their wells. Before this past weekend, our area hadnt seen any rain in almost 3 months. There were water restrictions and a neighbor guy has to go take a shower at his mothers because he lost his well.

And i said people were "near death" because they were losing everything cause of the drought....water, crops, etc....

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

[quote=SolidSnake84;720949]Ok guys please dont laugh at me because i'm being brutally honest here:

she doesnt like her face being touched. I cup her chin sometimes to be playful.

I grab her butt when she isnt paying attention, and sometimes it makes her mad.

I have a habitually negative demeanor sometimes; i can be too overdramatic. For example, yesterday i was describing our recent drought (weather wise, not sex lol) to a neighbor, and i was telling him how lucky we were for the rain, because "people were near death" in my own words. Sometimes i say things like that and i honestly cant help it. it is so random.[/quote]

Is she wearing makeup when you're touching her face? I can see how she wouldn't like that. Also some women don't like their chines touched because they think it will cause them to breakout (I've knew a chick like that). Garbing your wife's butt OK...that's your wife, not some random chick.

Try to cut down on things that annoy her but if everything you do annoys her it's time to jet. Do you, be you.

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

These last two or three threads make mine look like pee wee league.

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

Hey Solid just stop asking her for sex man. Don't grab her butt either, that makes it seem like you are making an advance. Touching her face ? I don't know but that shit has nothing to do with sex. She's really just being a woman. Or nothing against your wife because my wife has this sickness as well that called bitchy. All women go through it. It'll be okay. Just be patient with her. The way you talk and joke around don't change that because that's you. You can't and IMO shouldn't help that. But touching her butt and all leave it alone. Let her be her. Still show the love and all that. Do what you do around the house and all. Simply just take sex out of it. Don't ask for it or anything. Don't make a joke about it, don't do anything that can be mistaken for you're trying to get some ass moves. She'll eventually ask you what the deal is and then you can let her know that you are being patient but something has to change. But whatever your vices are. Enjoy them. I drank and went to the clouds to ease my mind but that's just me. Oh yeah and I purged the sacks every week or so. Gotta find something. So unless you gonna find a side piece just find your happy place throughout this trying time.

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

I grab my wife's ass all the time. I tell her when I quit grabbing her ass there is a problem and after ten years she should be happy I still want to grab her ass. By the way guys a women has an ass a baby has a butt.

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

[quote=MonkFan4Life;720981]Hey Solid just stop asking her for sex man. Don't grab her butt either, that makes it seem like you are making an advance. Touching her face ? I don't know but that shit has nothing to do with sex. She's really just being a woman. Or nothing against your wife because my wife has this sickness as well that called bitchy. All women go through it. It'll be okay. Just be patient with her. The way you talk and joke around don't change that because that's you. You can't and IMO shouldn't help that. But touching her butt and all leave it alone. Let her be her. Still show the love and all that. Do what you do around the house and all. Simply just take sex out of it. Don't ask for it or anything. Don't make a joke about it, don't do anything that can be mistaken for you're trying to get some ass moves. She'll eventually ask you what the deal is and then you can let her know that you are being patient but something has to change. But whatever your vices are. Enjoy them. I drank and went to the clouds to ease my mind but that's just me. Oh yeah and I purged the sacks every week or so. Gotta find something. So unless you gonna find a side piece [B]just find your happy place throughout this trying time.[/B][/quote]
Let's all meet at the Happy Place
[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oXrRivLdueE&NR=1"]Happy's Happy Place[/ame]

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

Being 47 with two small children, I can say - 32 days? pfffff. Standing on my head, watching porn and tying a string around my balls, I could do that easy.

At 25, yes - I can understand that 32+ days may seem like a lifetime. It's not.

What is a problem, as so many have noted, is not the lack of sex but the basic lack of communication going on. What that says to me is, rather than a drought of physical intimacy, you are really suffering through a drought of emotional intimacy. Just like physical intimacy, emotional intimacy also comes and goes. Not everyday can have the emotional high of our young love. Just as the excitement of a “first few dates” wanes so does the early “exploratory/sharing” phase of a relationship. It is then that the real work begins and, hopefully, you have laid the groundwork for it. Simply put, it’s easy to be “friends & lovers” when it feels good – it requires real love, however, to do so when the feelings occasionally wane.

To me, [I]true[/I] love is not an emotion or feeling. It is not “warm fuzzies”. It’s a choice. And, it’s work. That’s why I hope you have already laid the groundwork for getting past this.

Our priest during pre-marriage counseling once explained marital love to me as this: There will be days you wake up and look over at your wife and say "I have no feelings whatsoever for this person" (Not, “I hate her” or “Boy she pisses me off” – but just days where her existence or non-existence simply doesn’t matter to you). Hopefully, those days will be few, but, when they happen (and they will), you have a choice to make – Do I still love this person? Even though I am feeling nothing, do I still want to be with this person?

[Believe it or not, she will face these same choices b/c, no matter what you do, and disregarding the fairy tales, you are not supercalifragilistically amazing 24/7. When you do not interest her physically or emotionally, she, too, has the same choice to make.]

If, when confronted with this “I just don’t care about you” mind-set (or its multiple varieties), you and she can choose to love each other still, you have a chance for a truly special marriage.

Right now, she seems to be going through one of these emotionally fallow phases.

Some have suggested you need to take the Dr. Phil approach – “How are you feeling? What are you feeling?” etc. Others have suggested the “Put up, or shut up” approach. Me, I am in the middle. It is important to understand her feelings – even if the feeling is “go away”, because only then can you react appropriately. However, you absolutely have the right to know why she is feeling emotionally distant from you. Even if her answer is “I don’t know”, as long as it’s the honest answer, then you can work on it.

She is your wife and you are her husband. She has a right to her feelings. You have a right to know them. It’s pretty much that simple.

Demand the time to talk to her and make time to do so. Sit down with her, remind her of the choice you made and the choice she made when you each said “I do”. The choice was to love each other – even when you didn’t feel like doing so. Communicate honestly. Find out what she is feeling and require her to be honest about it. Respond honestly to her statements. No simple answers allowed from either of you. The only way the marriage is over is if either one of you are not willing to put the work into it that you promised to do when you took your vows. If [I]either[/I] you [I]or[/I] she [I]will [/I]not fulfill those promises, then, and only then, is the marriage doomed.

It’s your (plural) marriage. It’s your (plural) problem. Only the two of you can identify the problem. Only the two of you, together, can work past it.

Trust me, there have been many days in my 10+ year marriage when I looked at my wife and said - "I just wish she wasn't here" or "I wish I was anywhere else but with her". Each time this happens, I remember that it was my choice to be with this woman and that I made that choice freely and with good reason. Each time, she and I, together, have chosen to work past these times. Ultimately, I have never regretted that original choice and, each time we have made it through one of these rough patches, I realize my love for her is deeper and our marriage stronger. It’s not the stuff of fairy tales. It is, however, the best stuff of reality.

Work at it son. If she truly loves you, it is worth the effort.

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

^ Good stuff JoeRedskin much better then "just go watch a porno".

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

[quote=JoeRedskin;720988]Being 47 with two small children, I can say - 32 days? pfffff. Standing on my head, watching porn and tying a string around my balls, I could do that easy.

At 25, yes - I can understand that 32+ days may seem like a lifetime. It's not.

What is a problem, as so many have noted, is not the lack of sex but the basic lack of communication going on. What that says to me is, rather than a drought of physical intimacy, you are really suffering through a drought of emotional intimacy. Just like physical intimacy, emotional intimacy also comes and goes. Not everyday can have the emotional high of our young love. Just as the excitement of a “first few dates” wanes so does the early “exploratory/sharing” phase of a relationship. It is then that the real work begins and, hopefully, you have laid the groundwork for it. Simply put, it’s easy to be “friends & lovers” when it feels good – it requires real love, however, to do so when the feelings occasionally wane.

To me, [I]true[/I] love is not an emotion or feeling. It is not “warm fuzzies”. It’s a choice. And, it’s work. That’s why I hope you have already laid the groundwork for getting past this.

Our priest during pre-marriage counseling once explained marital love to me as this: There will be days you wake up and look over at your wife and say "I have no feelings whatsoever for this person" (Not, “I hate her” or “Boy she pisses me off” – but just days where her existence or non-existence simply doesn’t matter to you). Hopefully, those days will be few, but, when they happen (and they will), you have a choice to make – Do I still love this person? Even though I am feeling nothing, do I still want to be with this person?

[Believe it or not, she will face these same choices b/c, no matter what you do, and disregarding the fairy tales, you are not supercalifragilistically amazing 24/7. When you do not interest her physically or emotionally, she, too, has the same choice to make.]

If, when confronted with this “I just don’t care about you” mind-set (or its multiple varieties), you and she can choose to love each other still, you have a chance for a truly special marriage.

Right now, she seems to be going through one of these emotionally fallow phases.

Some have suggested you need to take the Dr. Phil approach – “How are you feeling? What are you feeling?” etc. Others have suggested the “Put up, or shut up” approach. Me, I am in the middle. It is important to understand her feelings – even if the feeling is “go away”, because only then can you react appropriately. However, you absolutely have the right to know why she is feeling emotionally distant from you. Even if her answer is “I don’t know”, as long as it’s the honest answer, then you can work on it.

She is your wife and you are her husband. She has a right to her feelings. You have a right to know them. It’s pretty much that simple.

Demand the time to talk to her and make time to do so. Sit down with her, remind her of the choice you made and the choice she made when you each said “I do”. The choice was to love each other – even when you didn’t feel like doing so. Communicate honestly. Find out what she is feeling and require her to be honest about it. Respond honestly to her statements. No simple answers allowed from either of you. The only way the marriage is over is if either one of you are not willing to put the work into it that you promised to do when you took your vows. If [I]either[/I] you [I]or[/I] she [I]will [/I]not fulfill those promises, then, and only then, is the marriage doomed.

It’s your (plural) marriage. It’s your (plural) problem. Only the two of you can identify the problem. Only the two of you, together, can work past it.

Trust me, there have been many days in my 10+ year marriage when I looked at my wife and said - "I just wish she wasn't here" or "I wish I was anywhere else but with her". Each time this happens, I remember that it was my choice to be with this woman and that I made that choice freely and with good reason. Each time, she and I, together, have chosen to work past these times. Ultimately, I have never regretted that original choice and, each time we have made it through one of these rough patches, I realize my love for her is deeper and our marriage stronger. It’s not the stuff of fairy tales. It is, however, the best stuff of reality.

Work at it son. If she truly loves you, it is worth the effort.[/quote]

Post of the year!

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

[quote=JoeRedskin;720988]Being 47 with two small children, I can say - 32 days? pfffff. Standing on my head, watching porn and tying a string around my balls, I could do that easy.

At 25, yes - I can understand that 32+ days may seem like a lifetime. It's not.

What is a problem, as so many have noted, is not the lack of sex but the basic lack of communication going on. What that says to me is, rather than a drought of physical intimacy, you are really suffering through a drought of emotional intimacy. Just like physical intimacy, emotional intimacy also comes and goes. Not everyday can have the emotional high of our young love. Just as the excitement of a “first few dates” wanes so does the early “exploratory/sharing” phase of a relationship. It is then that the real work begins and, hopefully, you have laid the groundwork for it. Simply put, it’s easy to be “friends & lovers” when it feels good – it requires real love, however, to do so when the feelings occasionally wane.

To me, [I]true[/I] love is not an emotion or feeling. It is not “warm fuzzies”. It’s a choice. And, it’s work. That’s why I hope you have already laid the groundwork for getting past this.

Our priest during pre-marriage counseling once explained marital love to me as this: There will be days you wake up and look over at your wife and say "I have no feelings whatsoever for this person" (Not, “I hate her” or “Boy she pisses me off” – but just days where her existence or non-existence simply doesn’t matter to you). Hopefully, those days will be few, but, when they happen (and they will), you have a choice to make – Do I still love this person? Even though I am feeling nothing, do I still want to be with this person?

[Believe it or not, she will face these same choices b/c, no matter what you do, and disregarding the fairy tales, you are not supercalifragilistically amazing 24/7. When you do not interest her physically or emotionally, she, too, has the same choice to make.]

If, when confronted with this “I just don’t care about you” mind-set (or its multiple varieties), you and she can choose to love each other still, you have a chance for a truly special marriage.

Right now, she seems to be going through one of these emotionally fallow phases.

Some have suggested you need to take the Dr. Phil approach – “How are you feeling? What are you feeling?” etc. Others have suggested the “Put up, or shut up” approach. Me, I am in the middle. It is important to understand her feelings – even if the feeling is “go away”, because only then can you react appropriately. However, you absolutely have the right to know why she is feeling emotionally distant from you. Even if her answer is “I don’t know”, as long as it’s the honest answer, then you can work on it.

She is your wife and you are her husband. She has a right to her feelings. You have a right to know them. It’s pretty much that simple.

Demand the time to talk to her and make time to do so. Sit down with her, remind her of the choice you made and the choice she made when you each said “I do”. The choice was to love each other – even when you didn’t feel like doing so. Communicate honestly. Find out what she is feeling and require her to be honest about it. Respond honestly to her statements. No simple answers allowed from either of you. The only way the marriage is over is if either one of you are not willing to put the work into it that you promised to do when you took your vows. If [I]either[/I] you [I]or[/I] she [I]will [/I]not fulfill those promises, then, and only then, is the marriage doomed.

It’s your (plural) marriage. It’s your (plural) problem. Only the two of you can identify the problem. Only the two of you, together, can work past it.

Trust me, there have been many days in my 10+ year marriage when I looked at my wife and said - "I just wish she wasn't here" or "I wish I was anywhere else but with her". Each time this happens, I remember that it was my choice to be with this woman and that I made that choice freely and with good reason. Each time, she and I, together, have chosen to work past these times. Ultimately, I have never regretted that original choice and, each time we have made it through one of these rough patches, I realize my love for her is deeper and our marriage stronger. It’s not the stuff of fairy tales. It is, however, the best stuff of reality.

Work at it son. If she truly loves you, it is worth the effort.[/quote]

You could follow this great advise or just quit cupping her chin.

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

I say just let her read the thread and see what happens. Then you don't have to make any more decisions on the relationship.

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

[quote=Angry;721024]I say just let her read the thread and see what happens. Then you don't have to make any more decisions on the relationship.[/quote]

How would you go about doing that? Leave the browser window open or send her an email with a link to the thread.

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

Success in a relationship is usually found when both parties compromise and are willing to listen to the other's feelings....usually...

[IMG]http://stewpig.com/wp-content/gallery/adwin/FUcomics40.jpg[/IMG]

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

[quote=Angry;721024]I say just let her read the thread and see what happens. Then you don't have to make any more decisions on the relationship.[/quote]


Hahahaha...then he won't have a relationship.


BAD, BAD IDEA.

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

This is what you need.

[url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XAOUUx53wwQ]YouTube - Atlanta Rhythm Section 1978 Imaginary Lover[/url]

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

[quote=firstdown;720982]I grab my wife's ass all the time. I tell her when I quit grabbing her ass there is a problem and after ten years she should be happy I still want to grab her ass. [B]By the way guys a women has an ass a baby has a butt.[/B][/quote]

Maybe the funniest thing I seen from you :)

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

Solid, bro you need to come to D.C. and hang out man. We'll get you all straightened out brother. I mean if you want to. I'm not trying to wreck your deal, but if you need to get...you know...we'll take care of you in D.C.

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

[quote=saden1;721040]How would you go about doing that? Leave the browser window open or send her an email with a link to the thread.[/quote]

Sign her up and sit her down. It was a joke obviously though.