understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

I dont know where else to go with this, so i'll ask my friends here at WP.

I've been with my wife for a few years now. Every aspect of our life is happy and wonderful. We have no children, and it's just us. We love to travel, eat out, go to the movies together, and all of that stuff.

We get along great and I consider her the only other person in my life besides my father, that i completley trust.

The problem is, since returning from our trip to Florida 32 days ago, we have had a sexless marriage, and a complete lack of other intimacy. I blame myself and have tried everything to try and bring it back. I even started lifting weights to try and change my physical build hoping it would help...Nothing has worked. I'm not ready to give up just yet, but i need help in seeing which way this thing is headed.

My father tells me that this is how it usually goes with people after a few years, and guys that i work with say the same thing. My problem is, at only 25 years of age, i'm not ready to accept that the sexual part of my marriage is over, like so many guys have done who are in their 30's and 40's.

However, the realistic part of me says that this is probably it. I love her to death and would give the waking world for her, and don't want to leave. But, is it just better to leave now before the kids come, so i can get over the heartache and hopefully be psychologically healed by my early 30's???

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

Everyone goes through dry spells. What does she say when you bring it up to her?

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

And also, while I'm not 30 or 40, if there is no sex in THOSE marriages, that's a GIANT problem. Women reach their sexual peak in their thirties, so that doesn't sound right to me. Don't get me wrong, you won't be banging every night, but you should at least be getting it on the regular 2-4 times a week.

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

Hmmmmmm, I'd say the best way to deal with this situation is head on. You have to ask her what she is thinking. Is she depressed, embarassed about her body? Does she not find you attractive anymore? Is she getting fulfillment elsewhere? All valid questions someone in your shoes should be reasonably expected to ask, given the circumstances. 6 weeks and no boom boom.........that, in a marriage, is getting a little ridiculous, and would make any other man in america a little concerned, if not wary.

You have every right to sit her down, and see what is going on. At least you'll know, and knowing is half the battle, right?

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

[quote=TheMalcolmConnection;719426]Everyone goes through dry spells. What does she say when you bring it up to her?[/quote]

She says she is either too tired or just doesnt feel like it. If i prod and push her too much about it, she gets angry. Like badly angry.

Last night i actually slept on our couch it was so bad.

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

[quote=TheMalcolmConnection;719427]And also, while I'm not 30 or 40, if there is no sex in THOSE marriages, that's a GIANT problem. Women reach their sexual peak in their thirties, so that doesn't sound right to me. Don't get me wrong, you won't be banging every night, but you should at least be getting it on the regular 2-4 times a week.[/quote]

Seriously...

Guys tell me now... if there is none when you get married, mark me down for not getting married.

EIther way... have you guys discussed it at all and shes just like "no"? Thats a huge issue...

If you havent really discussed it and it just hasn't "happened", maybe try planning like a nice date night or something, and going above and beyond to break it??

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

[quote=SolidSnake84;719429]She says she is either too tired or just doesnt feel like it. If i prod and push her too much about it, she gets angry. Like badly angry.

Last night i actually slept on our couch it was so bad.[/quote]

See now that is a huge problem to me. Like hey, theres nights my girlfriend wants to and I dont and vice versa.....sometimes you're not feeling well, or just tired or whatever... but the fact that shes flipping out like that I think is a red flag.

Sex is a VERY important part of a relationship. If you're not having sex, why are people together? I mean that completley seriously.

I mean, how long has it been up to this point?

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

[quote=Gmanc711;719431]Seriously...

Guys tell me now... if there is none when you get married, mark me down for not getting married.

EIther way... have you guys discussed it at all and shes just like "no"? Thats a huge issue...

If you havent really discussed it and it just hasn't "happened", maybe try planning like a nice date night or something, and going above and beyond to break it??[/quote]

I dont have official polls or what not, but i saw something on a website where it says 65% of US married couples have sex only once a week, 20% are once every 2 weeks, and 15% of people go longer than a month. That data was from 2009

I have tried asking about it, like i said, she gets furious if i ask too many questions.

All of my married friends, and my father, told me this would happen BEFORE, i got married, and i was just foolish enough to believe it wouldnt happen to me.

I'm already in shape, i only took up weight training hoping that the extra muscle would spark something....

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

[quote=Gmanc711;719431]Seriously...

Guys tell me now... if there is none when you get married, mark me down for not getting married.

EIther way... have you guys discussed it at all and shes just like "no"? Thats a huge issue...

If you havent really discussed it and it just hasn't "happened", [COLOR="Magenta"][I][B][U]maybe try planning like a nice date night or something, and going above and beyond to break it??[/quote][/U][/B][/I][/COLOR]

If the flowers, candy, dinner out and romantic wooing doesn't get you the payoff when u get home that evening, you will definitely know something is wrong. I agree with GManc, take one evening, get everything ready to roll, get her the flowers, dress up nice, take her out for a nice dinner, and then bring her home for dessert. If she doesn't give in then, well, I don't know what to tell ya man........

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

[quote=Gmanc711;719435]See now that is a huge problem to me. Like hey, theres nights my girlfriend wants to and I dont and vice versa.....sometimes you're not feeling well, or just tired or whatever... but the fact that shes flipping out like that I think is a red flag.

Sex is a VERY important part of a relationship. If you're not having sex, why are people together? I mean that completley seriously.

I mean, how long has it been up to this point?[/quote]

32 days ago, or almost 6 weeks.

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

[quote=SolidSnake84;719436]I dont have official polls or what not, but i saw something on a website where it says 65% of US married couples have sex only once a week, 20% are once every 2 weeks, and 15% of people go longer than a month. That data was from 2009

I have tried asking about it, like i said, she gets furious if i ask too many questions.

All of my married friends, and my father, told me this would happen BEFORE, i got married, and i was just foolish enough to believe it wouldnt happen to me.

I'm already in shape, i only took up weight training hoping that the extra muscle would spark something....[/quote]

Straight up, it has NOTHING to do with the way you look. You definitely will have those hot and dry spells. My wife and I sometimes have that month where she says the same thing your wife does and sometimes we'll go home at lunch and THEN after work again.

It's like anything, the honeymoon where you're banging like bunnies goes away.

If you want to always be getting it daily (or multi-times a day), you need to be single and just dump a girl when it gets old, because this happens in almost every single relationship.

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

First, 32 days is a dry spell for sure, but too small a sample to make any drastic decisions.

The fact that she won't talk about it tells me something is wrong, like others have said. Possibilities:

- She's pregnant and isn't comfortable talking about it yet.
- She's sick with something serious.
- She's clinically depressed.
- She's mentally moving on from you. Sometimes you see people withdraw from their loved one if they've been presented an opportunity to be with someone else, and they're beginning to consider it.
- There's something else in her life causing a great deal of stress.

You gotta get her to talk about it. But come from a place of compassion, assume something is wrong and you're just looking to find out so you can help her through whatever it is.

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

[quote=SolidSnake84;719425]I've been with my wife for a few years now. Every aspect of our life is happy and wonderful. We have no children, and it's just us. We love to travel, eat out, go to the movies together, and all of that stuff.

We get along great and I consider her the only other person in my life besides my father, that i completley trust.

The problem is, since returning from our trip to Florida 32 days ago, we have had a sexless marriage, and a complete lack of other intimacy. I blame myself and have tried everything to try and bring it back. I even started lifting weights to try and change my physical build hoping it would help...Nothing has worked. I'm not ready to give up just yet, but i need help in seeing which way this thing is headed.
[/quote]What changed between before the FL trip and after?

I'm in my early 40s and been married 10 yrs (together for 12). As TMC said, sometimes you hit a dry spell between work, kids, responsiblities, etc. But, your sex life shouldn't be over, and certainly not at 25. If you and your wife are completely happy in all other aspects, and the dry spell has only been a month, I've got to believe there's something going on in her head that she may not be talking about.

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

[quote=SolidSnake84;719436]I dont have official polls or what not, but i saw something on a website where it says 65% of US married couples have sex only once a week, 20% are once every 2 weeks, and 15% of people go longer than a month. That data was from 2009

I have tried asking about it, like i said, she gets furious if i ask too many questions.

All of my married friends, and my father, told me this would happen BEFORE, i got married, and i was just foolish enough to believe it wouldnt happen to me.

I'm already in shape, i only took up weight training hoping that the extra muscle would spark something....[/quote]


Even once a week, I can get. If you're busy, have kids, whatever. I get that.... but if you're spending the night together every night and there isnt more, than man... thats gonna be dissapointing if that day rolls around for me.

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

[quote=Schneed10;719440]First, 32 days is a dry spell for sure, but too small a sample to make any drastic decisions.

The fact that she won't talk about it tells me something is wrong, like others have said. Possibilities:

- She's pregnant and isn't comfortable talking about it yet.
- She's sick with something serious.
- She's clinically depressed.
- [I][B]She's mentally moving on from you. Sometimes you see people withdraw from their loved one if they've been presented an opportunity to be with someone else, and they're beginning to consider it.[/B][/I]
- There's something else in her life causing a great deal of stress.

You gotta get her to talk about it. But come from a place of compassion, assume something is wrong and you're just looking to find out so you can help her through whatever it is.[/quote]

I kind of thought this too. Are you questioning your feelings for HER too if you're talking about moving on after 32 days of no sex?

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

[quote=TheMalcolmConnection;719427]And also, while I'm not 30 or 40, if there is no sex in THOSE marriages, that's a GIANT problem. Women reach their sexual peak in their thirties, so that doesn't sound right to me. Don't get me wrong, you won't be banging every night, but you should at least be getting it on the regular 2-4 times a week.[/quote]

2-4 times a week is abnormally often for those age ranges in a mature relationship.

My wife and I are both 31, we run at about once per week to once every 10 days. How often is not important, it's the quality that matters. If the quality goes out, the relationship fizzles.

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

And Also, I agree with everyone who says that something is up/wrong...

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

[quote=TheMalcolmConnection;719427]And also, while I'm not 30 or 40, if there is no sex in THOSE marriages, that's a GIANT problem. Women reach their sexual peak in their thirties, so that doesn't sound right to me. Don't get me wrong, you won't be banging every night, but you should at least be getting it on the regular 2-4 times a week.[/quote]

My wife will be 30 in a couple of years and we'll soon be "trying" for Little Smoots....so let the good times roll!

Look on the bright side Snake, you won't have to worry about a vasectomy if you ain't gettin' none in the first place

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

[quote=Schneed10;719445]2-4 times a week is abnormally often for those age ranges in a mature relationship.

My wife and I are both 31, we run at about once per week to once every 10 days. How often is not important, it's the quality that matters. If the quality goes out, the relationship fizzles.[/quote]

Exactly. I mean it's different for everyone, and to be honest if we DID do it daily, it kind of loses how special it is (and yes you can call me gay for saying that).

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

[quote=Slingin Sammy 33;719441]What changed between before the FL trip and after?

I'm in my early 40s and been married 10 yrs (together for 12). As TMC said, sometimes you hit a dry spell between work, kids, responsiblities, etc. But, your sex life shouldn't be over, and certainly not at 25. If you and your wife are completely happy in all other aspects, and the dry spell has only been a month, I've got to believe there's something going on in her head that she may not be talking about.[/quote]

First off, great advice by Schneed10. I appreciate it deeply, and have never considered those issues. Regarding pregnancy, i highly doubt it, our sex life was shaky before FL, and absolutley ended when we got home.

To answer Sammy, its like somebody just flipped a switch...

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

They key is how drastic was this change?

Did you go from regularly doing it once a week to suddenly not doing it for 32 days straight? Because that tells me something is wrong.

Did she suddenly start taking a new birth control medicine? Because that really messes with the womens, that could easily explain a sudden change in sex drive and mood.

Or did the change take place gradually? Because that would tell me hormonal changes are going on with your wife that are reducing her sex drive. Sadly, this is not that fixable.

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

I wouldn't fret over 30 days. Of course the first question always is, maybe she got pregnant and is afraid to say, since it sounds like you aren't ready for kids yet. If you are married and happy, you need to really sit down with her and discuss it, find out what she is thinking, and why her behavior has changed. It seems kinda weird to be thinking of chucking it all this quickly. just my :twocents:

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

[quote=SolidSnake84;719429]She says she is either too tired or just doesnt feel like it. If i prod and push her too much about it, she gets angry. Like badly angry.

Last night i actually slept on our couch it was so bad.[/quote]

While it's not uncommon for a marriage to have dry spell, it's still unsettling when it happens. You sound like me, blaming yourself and trying to figure out what YOU are doing wrong.

Sounds like it COULD be a physical/health issue...or hormonal. Is she on birth control pills? Years ago, my wife tried some BC and it had this same effect on her, it made her never feel in the mood. She stopped taking it...things returned to normal.

A wife can live without sex and just go through the daily routine otherwise and not even notice how long its been. A husband typically needs it to feel appreciated and a part of the marriage, so when its missing...we notice.

To them, it would be like a husband who stopped talking to their wife.

I would try a concerned approach to bring it up, but it will be a tightrope walk to not make her mad or feel like you only want her for sex...they're touchy with the subject, especially when in one of these "phases/moods".

Good luck. I wouldn't consider leaving the marriage at such a young age over this...work it out, try to wait it out until it's worked out. I know it's tough and confusing, but if everything else is OK with you two like you say it is, don't throw it all away, even if this IS a big issue that hurts you. It sucks to go through, but it can happen in any marriage. It's called life with a woman. It could pass and never happen again.

32 days is nothing/normal. Start worrying at the 3-month mark. :D

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

I also think dry spells work both ways... so if you take her out for some magical evening and she does right after that... maybe it will spark something... I tend to be a streaky person myself in alot of aspects of life... so maybe that will spark something?

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

[quote=TheMalcolmConnection;719444]I kind of thought this too. Are you questioning your feelings for HER too if you're talking about moving on after 32 days of no sex?[/quote]

Not at all. I love her to death, but wanted advice on if the worst is coming and should I just end it now so that I can go ahead and get over her, and try and put my life back together.

I KNEW this would happen. I was warned. I just didnt think it would happen to me, or so soon.

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

Oh you're not too young...it can happen in the mid-20s and early years of marriage.

There's a ton of sex at first, but even if the frequency dies down, it gets better quality-wise after the years go on.

Stick with it. Marriage is intended to be a lifelong commitment. To far too many people, they think of it otherwise when things get tough, or just change.

I know it's not easy right now, but it never will be. :D

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

Stay or go after only 32 days? Too early for that...you need to talk to her and ask her what the issue is and frankly tell her "We are too young and kidless not to have sex. What is the problem? Is there something I need to know?" Take her out somewhere nice then ask her straight up what the mofo deal is and let her know a sexless marriage is a no-go with you.

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

No one brought this up but she might be cheating on you. I hope that isn't the case but that's a distinct possibility.

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

[quote=SolidSnake84;719455]Not at all. I love her to death, but wanted advice on if the worst is coming and should I just end it now so that I can go ahead and get over her, and try and put my life back together.

I KNEW this would happen. I was warned. I just didnt think it would happen to me, or so soon.[/quote]

It's just the two of you being comfortable with each other. The main thing is that when you DO plan something, don't force it at all. Just be cool, nice romantic night out, have a few drinks (JUST a couple) and see where that goes. Are you being affectionate at all (kissing, holding hands, hugging, etc?)??

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

Voicing that you knew this was coming is sort of a self fulfilling prophecy. If you are consistently talking to her, or yourself about how you know that sex will come to an end, you may have created an atmosphere that suffocates sex.

When I ended my marriage we hadn't had sex in over a year. I wasn't talking about how happy we were together, I was calling her many many variations of life sucking b****. You seem to me a far cry away from that point, so talk to her, find out what is wrong. Hold her, tell her how you feel, and most importantly let her know that it's the intimacy, not the act that you are missing (assuming that is true).

I wouldn't rule out pregnancy as you did, she may be in the first trimester and just was starting to feel outta sorts before the Florida trip and now is full blown hormonal. I knew my ex was pregnant each time because she looked me in the eyes and said she wanted a divorce. By the time our last little one was coming I just looked at her and said "your pregnant". (as a note, that happened the first time we had sex after my second was born and the vasectomy was scheduled shortly after that!!!)

Anyhoo, talk, discuss, listen to her body language and her words.

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

[quote=saden1;719461]No one brought this up but she might be cheating on you. I hope that isn't the case but that's a distinct possibility.[/quote]

The thought has crossed my mind. I dont think so, but you never really know.

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

Perhaps sex counselling is in order?

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

[quote=SolidSnake84;719449]First off, great advice by Schneed10. I appreciate it deeply, and have never considered those issues. Regarding pregnancy, i highly doubt it, our sex life was shaky before FL, and absolutley ended when we got home.

To answer Sammy, its like somebody just flipped a switch...[/quote]Like the other folks have said, there's something more to this than normal reduction in frequency, especially since you mentioned how angry she gets when you try to discuss it.

Try to hang in there and find out what's wrong, but if this continues to go on for another month or so despite your efforts, you've got a real problem. A sexless marriage isn't a norm, especially not in your mid-20s with no kids.

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

[quote=saden1;719461]No one brought this up but she might be cheating on you. I hope that isn't the case but that's a distinct possibility.[/quote]

That crossed my mind too, but I didnt wanna be the one to say it.

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

[quote=TheMalcolmConnection;719462]It's just the two of you being comfortable with each other. The main thing is that when you DO plan something, don't force it at all. Just be cool, nice romantic night out, have a few drinks (JUST a couple) and see where that goes. Are you being affectionate at all (kissing, holding hands, hugging, etc?)??[/quote]

Yes. I've tried it all. I've tried to be loving, and she blows me off and she says i'm being over affectionate. It annoys her.

I love all the feedback guys, but reading the honest advice i get the feeling that i am truly and unequivocally screwed.

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

[quote=SolidSnake84;719425]I dont know where else to go with this, so i'll ask my friends here at WP.

I've been with my wife for a few years now. Every aspect of our life is happy and wonderful. We have no children, and it's just us. We love to travel, eat out, go to the movies together, and all of that stuff.

We get along great and I consider her the only other person in my life besides my father, that i completley trust.

The problem is, since returning from our trip to Florida 32 days ago, we have had a sexless marriage, and a complete lack of other intimacy. I blame myself and have tried everything to try and bring it back. I even started lifting weights to try and change my physical build hoping it would help...Nothing has worked. I'm not ready to give up just yet, but i need help in seeing which way this thing is headed.

My father tells me that this is how it usually goes with people after a few years, and guys that i work with say the same thing. My problem is, at only 25 years of age, i'm not ready to accept that the sexual part of my marriage is over, like so many guys have done who are in their 30's and 40's.

However, the realistic part of me says that this is probably it. I love her to death and would give the waking world for her, and don't want to leave. But, is it just better to leave now before the kids come, so i can get over the heartache and hopefully be psychologically healed by my early 30's???[/quote]

Tell her that if you don't get it from her you'll get it somewhere else. That should spark something in the situation one way or another.

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

[quote=SolidSnake84;719465]The thought has crossed my mind. I dont think so, but you never really know.[/quote]

Don't think about that until you actually find it to be true. It will eat your mind and thoughts and torture you until you prove it to NOT be true.

There are MANY, MANY other reasons for this to be happening other than that. It's likely NOT cheating.

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

[quote=SolidSnake84;719469]I love all the feedback guys, but reading the honest advice i get the feeling that i am truly and unequivocally screwed.[/quote]I hope not. But back to your original post about being realistic, it's better this happen now if you both decide things aren't working, then when you already have kids.

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

Wait until she gets prego talk about dry spells.

IMO 32 days is really not that big of a deal but I have a kid, job, etc... so sometimes life and it responsibilities just basically sweep you up.

I would try a date night and say we need time to refocus have fun and forgot life like when we first start dating. Have her say what she wants to do for that night and at the end of the night you should be scoring.

But the no sex could be symptom of a bigger problem but a 32 days I don't see it.

Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??
 

[quote=TheLastDon;719473]Tell her that if you don't get it from her you'll get it somewhere else. That should spark something in the situation one way or another.[/quote]

:doh:

Strong 8th post.